Book of Heaven
10/25/01 – Vol. 4

I went through various days of fear and doubts about my state, believing that it is all a crafting of my fantasy; and sometimes my mind would become so fixated on this, that I reached the point of lamenting and regretting with Our Lord, saying: ‘What pain, what a disgrace mine has been – to be the victim of my fantasy! I believed I was seeing You, but instead, it was all the hallucination of my fantasy. I believed I was fulfilling your Will by remaining in this bed for such a long time, but who knows whether this also has been a fruit of my fantasy. Lord, the mere thought of this gives pain – it frightens. Your Will used to sweeten everything, but this embitters me down to the marrow of my bones. O please! give me the strength to get out of this imaginary state.’ And I would get so fixated as to be unable to distract myself; so much so, that I reached the point of thinking that this fantasy would prepare for me a place in hell, though I tried to snap out of it by saying: ‘Well then, I will make use of my fantasy to be able to love Him in hell.’

Now, while I was in this fixation, blessed Jesus wanted to increase the pain of my position by moving within my interior, saying: “Do not pay attention to this, otherwise I will leave you, and will show you whether it is I who comes, or it is your fantasy that hallucinates.” In spite of this, I did not then get concerned, saying: ‘Ah, yes, He will not have the courage to do it – He is so good. Yet, He actually did it.’

It is needless to say what I went through for several days without Jesus – I would be too long; the mere remembering freezes the blood in my veins, therefore I move on. Now, after I said all this to the confessor, it seemed that he became my mediator. As we began to pray together that He would deign to come, I felt I was losing consciousness, and He made Himself seen from very far, almost scowling at me for He did not want to come. I would not dare, but the confessor insisted, uniting the intention that He would share the crucifixion with me. So, to content the confessor, He drew near and shared with me the pains of the cross. Then, as if He had made peace with me, He told me: “It was necessary that I deprive you of Me, otherwise you would not have convinced yourself whether it is I or your fantasy. Privation is beneficial to make one know where things come from, and the preciousness of the object lost; and to hold it in greater esteem when it is reacquired.”