{"id":21754,"date":"2020-04-05T19:01:49","date_gmt":"2020-04-06T00:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/?page_id=21754"},"modified":"2023-02-26T17:02:51","modified_gmt":"2023-02-26T22:02:51","slug":"volume-one-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/?page_id=21754","title":{"rendered":"Volume One"},"content":{"rendered":"

VOLUME 1<\/strong><\/p>\n

J.M.J.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.<\/span><\/p>\n

Out of pure obedience, I begin to write.<\/span><\/p>\n

You know, oh! Lord, the sacrifice it costs me, such that I would submit myself to a thousand deaths rather than write one single line of the things that have passed between me and You.\u00a0 Oh! my God, my nature trembles, it feels crushed and almost undone at the mere thought of it.\u00a0 O please! give me strength, oh! Life of my life, that I may do the holy obedience!\u00a0 You who have given inspiration to the confessor, give me the grace to be able to execute what is commanded of me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Oh! Jesus, oh! Spouse, oh! my strength – to You I rise, to You I come, into your arms I introduce myself, I abandon myself, I rest.\u00a0 O please! relieve me in my affliction and do not leave me alone and abandoned!\u00a0 Without your help, I am sure I will not have the strength to do this obedience that costs me so much – I will let myself be defeated by the enemy, and I fear of being crushed by You, justly, because of my disobedience.<\/span><\/p>\n

O please! look at me, again and again, oh! Holy Spouse, in these arms of yours \u2013 see by how much darkness I am surrounded; it is so thick as to allow not even one atom of light to enter into my soul.\u00a0 Oh! my mystical Sun, Jesus \u2013 let this light shine within my mind, that it may dispel the darkness and I may freely remember those graces that You had given to my soul.\u00a0 Oh! Eternal Sun, unleash another ray of light into my inmost heart, and purify it of the mud in which it lies \u2013 ignite it, consume it with your love, so that my heart, which, more than anything, has experienced the sweetnesses of your love, may manifest them clearly to the one to whom it is obliged to do so.\u00a0 Oh! my Sun Jesus, one more ray of light upon my lips, that I may say the pure truth, with the sole purpose of knowing whether it is really You, or rather, an illusion from the enemy.\u00a0 But, oh! Jesus, how poor in light I still see myself in these arms of yours.\u00a0 O please! content me \u2013 You who love me so much, continue to send me light.\u00a0 Oh! my Sun, my beautiful One, I want to enter right into the center, that I may remain completely sunken within this most pure light.\u00a0 Oh! Divine Sun, let this light precede me in front of me, follow me behind me, surround me everywhere, and penetrate into every intimate hiding place of my interior, that my terrestrial being may be consumed, and You may transform it completely into your Divine Being.<\/span><\/p>\n

Most Holy Virgin, lovable Mother, come to my aid, obtain for me from your sweet Jesus and mine, grace and strength in order to do this obedience.\u00a0 Saint Joseph, my dear protector, assist me in this circumstance of mine.\u00a0 Archangel Saint Michael, defend me from the infernal enemy, who puts so many obstacles in my mind to make me fail this obedience.\u00a0 Archangel Saint Rafael, and you, my guardian Angel, come to assist me and to accompany me, to direct my hand, that I may write the truth alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

May everything be for the honor and glory of God \u2013 and to me, all the confusion.\u00a0 Oh! Holy Spouse, come to my help.\u00a0 In considering the many graces You have given to my soul, I feel all horrified and frightened, all full of confusion and shame at seeing myself still so bad and unrequiting of your graces.\u00a0 But, my lovable and sweet Jesus, forgive me, do not withdraw from me, but continue to pour your grace into me, that You may make of me a triumph of your mercy.<\/span><\/p>\n

I begin.\u00a0 A novena of Holy Christmas.\u00a0 At the age of about seventeen, I prepared myself for the Feast of Holy Christmas, by practicing various acts of virtue and mortification, and, especially, by honoring the nine months which Jesus spent in the maternal womb with nine hours of meditation each day, always concerning the mystery of the Incarnation.<\/span><\/p>\n

As for example, in one hour, with my thought, I brought myself to Paradise, and I imagined the Most Holy Trinity:\u00a0 the Father, sending the Son upon earth; the Son, promptly obeying the Will of the Father; the Holy Spirit, consenting.\u00a0 My mind was confounded in contemplating a mystery so great, a love so reciprocal, so equal, so strong among Themselves and toward men; and then, the ingratitude of men, and especially my own.\u00a0 I would have remained there, not for one hour, but for the whole day; but an interior voice told me:\u00a0 \u201cEnough \u2013 come and see other greater excesses of my love.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, my mind brought itself into the maternal womb, and remained stupefied in considering a God so great in Heaven, now so annihilated, restricted, constrained, as to be unable to move, and almost even to breathe.\u00a0 The interior voice told me:\u00a0 \u201cDo you see how much I have loved you?\u201d\u00a0 O please! make Me a little space in your heart; remove everything which is not mine, so you will give Me more freedom to move and to breathe.\u201d\u00a0 My heart was consumed; I asked for His forgiveness, I promised to be completely His own, I poured myself out in crying; but \u2013 I say this to my confusion \u2013 I would go back to my usual defects.\u00a0 Oh! Jesus, how good You have been with this miserable creature.<\/p>\n

In this way I would spend the second hour of the day, and then, so forth with the rest \u2013 I would be annoying if I told them all.\u00a0 And I would do this sometimes kneeling, and when I was impeded by my family, also while working.\u00a0 In fact, the interior voice gave me no respite and no peace if I did not do what it wanted; therefore, work was not an impediment for me to doing what I had to do.\u00a0 In this way I spent the days of the novena, and when the eve came, I felt more than ever ignited with unusual fervor.\u00a0 I was alone in the room, and here comes Little Baby Jesus in front of me \u2013 all beautiful, yes, but shivering, in the act of wanting to hug me.\u00a0 I stood up and ran to hug Him, but in the act of squeezing Him He disappeared from me \u2013 and this occurred as many as three times.\u00a0 I remained so moved and ignited that I cannot explain it.\u00a0 But then, after some time, I did not take it much into account.\u00a0 I did not tell anyone, and from time to time I would fall into my usual defects.\u00a0 However, the interior voice never left me again; in everything it reprimanded me, it corrected me, it encouraged me \u2013 in a word, the Lord acted with me like a good father, whose child tries to deviate from the right path, and he uses all the attentions and cares to hold him back, so as to make of him his honor, his glory, his crown.\u00a0 But, oh! Lord, too ungrateful have I been with You.<\/p>\n

So, from the beginning, the Divine Master began to strip my heart of all creatures, and through an interior voice, He would tell me:\u00a0 \u201cI am all that is beautiful and that deserves to be loved.\u00a0 See, if you do not remove this little world that surrounds you \u2013 that is, thoughts of creatures, imagination \u2013 I cannot enter freely into your heart.\u00a0 This murmuring in your mind is a hindrance to letting you hear my voice more clearly, to pouring my graces, to truly enamoring you of Me. \u00a0Promise Me that you will be all mine, and I Myself will put my hand in the work.\u00a0 You are right that you can do nothing.\u00a0 Do not fear, I will do everything; give Me your will – this is enough for Me.\u201d<\/p>\n

This would happen mostly during Communion.\u00a0 So I would promise Him to be all His own; I would ask His forgiveness, for up to that point, I had not been so; I would say to Him that I truly wanted to love Him, and I prayed Him never to leave me alone again without Him.\u00a0 And the voice would continue:\u00a0 \u201cNo, no – I will be together with you, observing all of your actions, your movements, your desires.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, I would feel Him upon me for the whole day; He reprimanded me in everything.\u00a0 For example, if I let myself be carried away in conversing a little too much with my family, even of indifferent things which were not necessary, the interior voice would tell me:\u00a0 \u201cThese discourses fill your mind with things that do not belong to Me; they surround your heart with dust, such as to make you feel my grace as weak, no longer alive.\u00a0 O please! imitate Me when I was in the house of Nazareth \u2013 my mind was occupied with nothing but the glory of the Father and the salvation of souls; my mouth uttered nothing but holy discourses.\u00a0 With my words I tried to repair for the offenses against the Father, to dart through hearts and draw them to my love \u2013 and primarily my Mother and St. Joseph.\u00a0 In a word, everything called upon God, everything was done for God, and everything referred to Him.\u00a0 Why could you not do the same?\u201d<\/p>\n

I remained mute \u2013 all confused.\u00a0 I tried to be alone as much as I could; I confessed to Him my weakness, and I asked for His help and grace to be able to do what He wanted, because, by myself, I could do nothing but evil.\u00a0 If during the day my mind was occupied with thinking about people I loved, immediately He would reprimand me, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cIs this the love you have for Me?\u00a0 Who has ever loved you like Me?\u00a0 Look, if you do not stop it, I will leave you.\u201d\u00a0 At times I felt myself being given such and so many bitter reproaches, that I would do nothing but cry.<\/p>\n

One morning in particular, after Communion, He gave me a light so clear about the great love He had for me, and about the fickleness and inconstancy of creatures, that my heart was so convinced as to be incapable, from that time on, of loving anyone.\u00a0 He taught me the way how to love people without detaching myself from Him \u2013 that is, by looking at creatures as images of God, in such a way that, if I received good from creatures, I was to think that God alone was the prime author of that good and that He had used the creature in order to send it to me; so my heart would be bound more to God.\u00a0 If then I received mortifications, I was to look at them also as instruments in the hands of God for my sanctification; so my heart would not remain huffy with my neighbor.\u00a0 In this way, it happened that I would look at all creatures in God.\u00a0 Whatever fault I might see in them, I would never lose esteem for them.\u00a0 If they mocked me, I felt obliged, thinking that they were allowing me to make more gains for my soul; if they praised me, I received these praises with contempt, saying:\u00a0 \u2018Today this, tomorrow they may hate me\u2019, considering their inconstancy.\u00a0 In sum, my heart acquired such freedom, that I myself cannot explain it.<\/p>\n

When the Divine Master freed me from the external world, then He put His hand into purifying my interior, and through an interior voice He told me:\u00a0 \u201cNow we are alone \u2013 there is no one left who may disturb us.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t you happier now than before, when you had to content many upon many?\u00a0 You see, it is easier to content one alone.\u00a0 You must consider as if you and I were alone in the world; promise Me to be faithful, and I will pour such and so many graces into you, that you yourself will be amazed.”<\/p>\n

Then He continued, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cI have made great designs upon you, as long as you correspond to Me \u2013 I want to make of you a perfect image of Me, beginning from the moment I was born up to my death.\u00a0 I Myself will teach you, little at a time, the way you will do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

And it happened in this way:\u00a0 every morning, after Communion, He would tell me what I was supposed to do during the day.\u00a0 I will say everything briefly, because after so much time it is impossible to say everything.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember for sure, but it seems to me that He told me that the first thing which was necessary in order to purify the interior of my heart, was the annihilation of myself \u2013 that is, humility.\u00a0 And He continued, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cSee, so that I may pour my graces into your heart, I really want to make you understand that by yourself you can do nothing.\u00a0 I am very much wary of those souls who attribute what they do to themselves, wanting to make of my graces as many thefts.\u00a0 On the other hand, with those who know themselves, I am generous in pouring my graces in torrents.\u00a0 Knowing very well that they can attribute nothing to themselves, they are grateful to Me, they hold it in that esteem which befits it, and they live with the continuous fear that, if they do not correspond to Me, I may take away from them that which I gave, knowing that it is not something of their own.\u00a0 All the opposite in the hearts which reek of pride.\u00a0 I cannot even enter into their hearts because they are so swollen with themselves that there is no space in which to put Myself.\u00a0 The miserable ones take my graces into no account, and they go from fall to fall, up to their ruin.\u00a0 Therefore, on this day I want you to make continuous acts of humility; I want you to be like a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, who can move neither a foot to take a step, nor a hand to work, but expects everything from his mother.\u00a0 In the same way, you will stay close to Me like a baby, always praying Me to assist you, to help you; always confessing to Me your nothingness \u2013 in sum, expecting everything from Me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I tried to do as much as I could to content Him \u2013 I would make myself smaller, I would annihilate myself, and sometimes I reached the point of feeling my being as almost undone, in such a way that I could not work, nor take one step, or even one breath if He did not sustain me.\u00a0 Also, I saw myself as so bad, that I was ashamed of being seen by people, knowing myself as the ugliest \u2013 as, in reality, I am still.\u00a0 So, as much as I could shun people, I shunned them, saying to myself:\u00a0 \u2018Oh! if they knew how bad I am, and if they could see the graces that the Lord is giving me (for I wouldn\u2019t tell anything to anyone), and that I am always the same \u2013 oh! how horrified they would be with me.\u2019<\/p>\n

Then, in the morning, when I would go again to Communion, it seemed that in coming into me He made feast for the contentment He felt in seeing me so annihilated.\u00a0 He would tell me other things about the annihilation of myself, but in ways which were always different from the previous time.\u00a0 I believe that He spoke to me not once, but hundreds of times; and if He had spoken to me thousands of times, He would have always new ways to speak about the same virtue.\u00a0 Oh! my Divine Master, how wise You are \u2013 had I at least corresponded to You.<\/p>\n

I remember that, one morning, while He spoke to me about the same virtue, He told me that because of lack of humility I had committed many sins, and that if I had been more humble, I would have kept closer to Him and I would not have done so much evil.\u00a0 He made me understand how ugly sin is \u2013 the affront that this miserable little worm had made to Jesus Christ, the horrendous ingratitude, the enormous wickedness, the harm that had come to my soul.\u00a0 I was so dismayed, that I did not know what to do in order to repair.\u00a0 I did some mortifications, I asked for more from the confessor, but few were given to me, so they all seemed shadows to me, and I did nothing but think about my sins, though clinging more and more to Him.\u00a0 I had such fear of moving away and of doing worse than before, that I myself cannot express it.\u00a0 When I was with Him, I did nothing but tell Him of the pain I felt for having offended Him.\u00a0 I kept asking for His forgiveness, I thanked Him for having been so good to me, and I said to Him from the heart:\u00a0 \u2018See, Oh Lord, the time I have lost, while I could love You.\u2019\u00a0 So, I was unable to say anything but the grave evil I had done.<\/p>\n

Finally, one day, reprimanding me, He told me:\u00a0 \u201cI do not want you to think about it.\u00a0 When a soul has humbled herself, convinced of having done wrong, and has cleansed her soul in the Sacrament of Confession, and is ready to die rather than offend Me – it is an affront to my mercy, it is a hindrance to drawing her close to my love, because her mind is always trying to roll in the past mud. \u00a0She also prevents Me from letting her take flights toward Heaven, because she is always with those ideas wrapped within herself, if she tries to think about it.\u00a0 And then, see, I no longer remember anything; I have perfectly forgotten about it.\u00a0 Do you see any rancor or shadow on my part?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018No Lord, You are so good.\u2019\u00a0 But I felt my heart split with tenderness.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell then, are you the one who wants to carry these things on?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I:\u00a0 \u2018No, no, I don\u2019t want to.\u2019<\/p>\n

And He:\u00a0 \u201cLet us think about loving and contenting each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

From that time on, I did not think about it so much; I did as much as I could in order to content Him, and I prayed that He Himself would teach me what I should do in order to repair for the time past.\u00a0 And He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cI am ready to do what you want.\u00a0 See, the first thing that I told you I wanted from you was the imitation of my Life; so, let us see what you lack.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2018Lord\u2019, I said to Him, \u2018I lack everything \u2013 I have nothing.\u2019\u00a0 \u201cWell then\u201d, He said to me, \u201cdo not fear, little by little we will do everything.\u00a0 I Myself know how weak you are, but it is from Me that you must draw strength.\u201d\u00a0 (I don\u2019t remember it in sequence, but I will say what I can)\u00a0 And He added:\u00a0 \u201cI want you to be always upright in your operating \u2013 with one eye look at Me, and with the other eye look at what you are doing.\u00a0 I want creatures to disappear from you completely.\u00a0 If you receive a command, do not look at the people, no \u2013 but you must think that I Myself want you to do what you are being commanded.\u00a0 So, with your eye fixed in Me, you will not judge anyone, you will not look at whether the thing is painful or enjoyable \u2013 whether you can do it or not.\u00a0 Closing your eyes to all this, you will open them to look at Me alone; you will take Me together with you, thinking that my gaze is fixed on you, and you will say to Me:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, for You alone I do this; for You alone I want to work \u2013 no longer a slave of the creatures.\u2019\u00a0 So, if you walk, if you work, if you speak \u2013 in anything you do, your only aim must be that of pleasing Me alone.\u00a0 Oh! how many defects you will avoid, if you do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Other times, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI also want that, if people mortify you, insult you, contradict you, you keep your gaze fixed in Me, thinking that from my own lips I am saying to you:\u00a0 \u2018Daughter, I Myself am the One who wants you to suffer this – not the creatures.\u00a0 Remove your gaze from them; but you and I, always \u2013 all others you must destroy.\u00a0 See, I want to render you beautiful by means of these sufferings; I want to enrich you with merits, work your soul, render you similar to Me.\u00a0 You will give it to Me as a gift, you will thank Me affectionately, and will be grateful to those people who give you the occasion to suffer, repaying them with some benefit.\u00a0 By doing this, you will walk as upright before Me; nothing will ever again give you restlessness, and you will always enjoy peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

After I tried to exercise myself in these things for some time – now doing it and now falling (although I see clearly that I still lack this spirit of uprightness, and I am ever more confounded, thinking of such great ingratitude of mine) – He spoke to me about, and made me understand, the necessity of the spirit of mortification.\u00a0 (Although I remember that, in all these things that He told me, He always added that everything should be done for love of Him, and that the most beautiful virtues, the greatest sacrifices, would render themselves insipid if they did not take origin from love.\u00a0 \u201cCharity\u201d, He said to me, \u201cis a virtue that gives life and splendor to all others, in such a way that, without it, they are all dead.\u00a0 My eye receives no attraction, and they have no power over my Heart.\u00a0 Be attentive, then, and let your works, even the least ones, be invested by charity \u2013 that is, in Me, with Me and for Me\u201d).<\/p>\n

So, let\u2019s go back to mortification.\u00a0 \u201cI want\u201d, He said to me, \u201cthat all your things, even the necessary ones, be done in a spirit of sacrifice.\u00a0 See, your works cannot be recognized by Me as mine, if they do not have the imprint of mortification.\u00a0 Just as a coin is not recognized by the peoples if it does not carry on itself the image of their king \u2013 even more, it is despised and neglected – the same with your works:\u00a0 if they do not have the graft with my cross, they cannot have any value.\u00a0 See, now it is not about destroying the creatures, but yourself \u2013 making you die in order to live only in Me and of my own life.\u00a0 It is true that it will cost you more than what you have done; but pluck up courage, do not fear \u2013 it is not you who will do it, but I Myself will operate in you.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I received more lights about the annihilation of myself.\u00a0 He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cYou are nothing but a shadow \u2013 as you try to grab it, it escapes you.\u00a0 You are nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt so annihilated, that I would have wanted to hide in the deepest abysses, but I saw myself incapable of doing it.\u00a0 I felt such blushing that I remained mute.\u00a0 While I was in this undoing of my nothingness, He said to Me:\u00a0 \u201cDraw near Me, cling to my arm \u2013 I will sustain you with my hands and you will receive strength.\u00a0 You are blind, but my light will serve you as guide.\u00a0 See, I will place Myself in front of you, and you will do nothing but look at Me in order to imitate Me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cThe first thing I want you to mortify is your will.\u00a0 That \u2018self\u2019<\/em> must be destroyed in you; I want you to keep it sacrificed as victim before Me, so that your will and Mine may become one.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t you happy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2018Yes, Lord, but give me the grace, for I see that by myself I can do nothing.\u2019\u00a0 And He continued, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cYes, I Myself will contradict you in everything, and occasionally by means of creatures.\u201d<\/p>\n

And so it happened.\u00a0 For example, if in the morning I woke up and did not get up immediately, the interior voice would tell me:\u00a0 \u201cYou rest, while I had no other bed but the cross.\u00a0 Hurry up, hurry up \u2013 not so much satisfaction.\u201d\u00a0 If I walked and my sight would run a little farther, immediately He would reprimand me: \u00a0\u201cI do not want this.\u00a0 Do not let your sight move away from you but the length of one step, so that you won\u2019t trip.\u201d\u00a0 If I was in the countryside and I saw flowers and trees, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI have created everything for love of you, and you, deprive your sight of this delight for love of Me.\u201d\u00a0 Even in the most innocent and holy things, as for example the cloths for the altars, the processions, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cYou must take no other pleasure but in Me alone.\u201d\u00a0 If I was sitting while working, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cYou are too comfortable; don\u2019t you remember that my life was a continuous suffering \u2013 and you? And you?\u201d\u00a0 In order to content Him, I would immediately shift to half of the chair, leaving the other half empty; and sometimes, jokingly, I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018See oh Lord, half the chair is empty \u2013 come and sit near me.\u2019\u00a0 Sometimes it seemed He would content me, and I felt such delight that I myself cannot express it.\u00a0 Sometimes, then, while I was working a little slowly and listlessly, He would say to Me:\u00a0 \u201cHurry up, help yourself, for in the time you gain by helping yourself you will come and be with Me in prayer.\u201d\u00a0 Sometimes, He Himself would assign to me how much work I was supposed to do.\u00a0 Then I would pray Him to come and help me.\u00a0 \u201cYes, yes\u201d, He would answer me, \u201cwe will do it together, so that when you have finished, we will be more free.\u201d\u00a0 And it would happen that in one hour or two I did what I was supposed to do during the whole day.\u00a0 Then I would go to pray, and He gave me much light and told me many things, such that it would be too long if I wanted to say them all.<\/p>\n

I remember that while I was alone, working, I noticed that the thread was not enough to finish that work, and that I would need to go to my family in order to get some.\u00a0 So I turned to Him and I said:\u00a0 \u2018What is the purpose of having helped me, my Beloved?\u00a0 As I see that I need to go to my family, I may find people who may prevent me from coming back here, and this time our conversation will come to nothing.\u2019\u00a0 \u201cWhat, what?\u201d, He said to me, \u201cDon\u2019t you have faith?\u201d\u00a0 \u2018Yes.\u2019\u00a0 \u201cWell then, do not fear, for I will make you complete everything.\u201d\u00a0 And so it happened; and then I would start to pray.<\/p>\n

If then, at lunch time, I ate something tasty, immediately He would reprimand me interiorly, saying:\u00a0 \u201cHave you perhaps forgotten that I had no other taste but suffering for love of you?\u00a0 And that you must have no other taste but mortifying yourself for love of Me?\u00a0 Leave it aside, and eat that which you like the least.\u201d\u00a0 And immediately I would take it and bring it to the maid, or I would say that I didn\u2019t want it any more; and many times I remained almost on an empty stomach.\u00a0 However, when I would go to pray, I would receive so much strength and feel so satiated, that I would feel nausea for everything.\u00a0 Other times, then, in order to contradict me, if I did not feel like eating, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI want you to eat for love of Me, and as the food unites with the body, pray to Me that my love may unite with your soul; and everything will be sanctified.\u201d<\/p>\n

In a word, without going any further, even in the smallest things, He tried to make my will die, so that it might live only for Him.\u00a0 He allowed that I be contradicted also by the confessor.\u00a0 As for example:\u00a0 I would feel a great need to receive Communion; for the whole day and night I would do nothing but prepare myself.\u00a0 My eyes could not close to sleep because of the continuous throbbing of my heart.\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, hurry, for I cannot be without You.\u00a0 Accelerate the hours, let the sun rise quickly, for I cannot endure anymore, my heart is fainting.\u2019\u00a0 He Himself would make me such loving invitations that I would feel my heart crack.\u00a0 He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cSee, I am alone, do not be troubled because you cannot sleep \u2013 this is about keeping company with your God, with your Spouse, with your All, who is continuously offended.\u00a0 O please! do not deny Me this relief, because, then, in your afflictions I do not leave you.\u201d\u00a0 But while I was with these dispositions, in the morning I would go to the confessor, and without knowing why, the first thing he would say to me was:\u00a0 \u201cI do not want you to receive Communion.\u201d\u00a0 I tell the truth, this was so bitter for me, that sometimes I would do nothing but cry.\u00a0 I would not dare to say anything to the confessor, because He Himself wanted me to do so, otherwise He would reproach me.\u00a0 But I would go to Him and tell Him of my pain:\u00a0 \u2018Ah! my Good, is this the vigil we have kept last night – that after so much waiting and yearning I was to remain without You?\u00a0 I know well that I must obey, but tell me something \u2013 can I be without You? \u00a0Who will give me strength?\u00a0 And then, who will have the courage to depart from this church without bringing You along?\u00a0 I don’t know what to do, but You can remedy everything.\u2019\u00a0 While pouring myself out in this way, I would feel a fire come near me, and a flame enter into my heart.\u00a0 I would feel Him inside of me, and immediately He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cCalm yourself, calm yourself.\u00a0 Here you are – I am already in your heart.\u00a0 What do you fear now?\u00a0 Do not afflict yourself any more, I Myself want to dry your tears.\u00a0 You are right, you could not be without Me, could you?\u201d<\/p>\n

I would then remain so very annihilated within myself, and I would say to Him that if I were good, He would not have disposed it that way; and I prayed Him never to leave me again, for I did not want to be without Him.<\/p>\n

After these things, one day, after Communion, I felt Him within me, all love \u2013 loving me so much that I myself was very much amazed, for I saw myself as so bad and unrequiting.\u00a0 And I said within myself:\u00a0 \u2018If only I were good and requiting.\u00a0 I fear that He might leave me (I have always had this fear that He might leave me, and I still do; and sometimes the pain I feel is so great, that I believe that the pain of death would be lesser, and if He Himself does not come to calm me, I can give myself no peace) – while He wants to draw more intimately close to me.\u2019\u00a0 While I felt Him inside of me in this way, through an interior voice, He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy beloved, the things past have been nothing but a preparation.\u00a0 Now I want to come to facts, and in order to dispose your heart to do what I want from you \u2013 that is, the imitation of my Life – I want you to sink into the immense sea of my Passion; and when you have understood well the bitterness of my pains, the love with which I suffered them, Who I am who suffered so much, and who you are, a most wretched creature \u2013 ah! your heart will not dare to oppose the blows, the cross, which, only for your good, I have prepared.\u00a0 On the contrary, by just thinking that I, your Master, have suffered so much, your pains will seem shadows to you compared to mine.\u00a0 Suffering will be sweet for you, and you will reach the point of not being able to be without sufferings.\u201d<\/p>\n

My nature trembled at the mere thought of sufferings; I prayed that He Himself would give me the strength, because without Him I would use His very gifts to offend the Giver.\u00a0 So, I gave all of myself to meditating the Passion, and this did so much good to my soul, that I believe that all the good has come to me from that source.\u00a0 I pictured the Passion of Jesus Christ like an immense sea of light, which wounded me all over with His innumerable rays \u2013 rays of patience, of humility, of obedience, and of many other virtues.\u00a0 I saw myself as all surrounded by this light, and I remained annihilated at seeing myself so different from Him.\u00a0 Those rays that inundated me were as many reproaches for me.\u00a0 I heard them say:\u00a0 \u201cA God so patient – and you?\u00a0 A God humble and submitted even to His very enemies \u2013 and you?\u00a0A God who suffers so much for love of you \u2013 and where are your sufferings for love of Him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes He Himself would make me the narration of the pains suffered by Him, and I was so moved that I would cry bitterly.\u00a0 One day, while working, I was considering the most bitter pains that my good Jesus suffered; I felt my heart so oppressed by the pain, that I was out of breath.\u00a0 Fearing something, I wanted to distract myself by going out to the balcony.\u00a0 I go about looking in the middle of the street \u2013 but what do I see?\u00a0 I see the street all filled with people, and, in the middle, my loving Jesus with the Cross upon His shoulders.\u00a0 Some pulled Him to one side, some to another.\u00a0 All panting, with His face dripping with blood, He raised His eyes toward me in act of asking for my help.\u00a0 Who can say the sorrow I felt, the impression that a sight so pitiful made on my soul.\u00a0 I immediately went inside, I myself did not know where I was; I felt my heart split with pain.\u00a0 I shouted; crying, I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Jesus, if only I could help You!\u00a0 If only I could free You from those wolves so rabid!\u00a0 Ah! I wish at least to suffer those pains in your place, to give a relief to my sorrow.\u00a0 O please! my Good, give me suffering, for it is not fair that You suffer so much, while I, a sinner, remain without suffering.\u2019<\/p>\n

From that time on, I remember that such a great yearning for suffering ignited within me, that it has not dampened yet.\u00a0 I also remember that after Communion I would ardently pray Him to concede me suffering; and sometimes, to content me, He seemed to take the thorns from His crown and prick my heart.\u00a0 Other times, I felt Him take my heart in His hands and squeeze it so tightly, that I felt faint for the pain.\u00a0 When I realized that people might notice something, and He was disposed to give me these pains, I would immediately say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, what are You doing?\u00a0 I beg You to give me suffering, but that it be hidden to everyone.\u2019\u00a0 Up to a certain time, He made me content, but my sins have rendered me unworthy to suffer hidden, without anyone noticing it.<\/p>\n

I remember that many times, after Communion, He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cYou will not be able to truly resemble Me other than by means of sufferings.\u00a0 Up until now I have been together with you; now I want to leave you alone a little bit, without letting Myself be felt.\u00a0 See, up to now I have led you by the hand, instructing you and correcting you in everything, and you have done nothing but follow Me.\u00a0 Now I want you to do it by yourself.\u00a0 However, be more attentive than before, thinking that my gaze is fixed on you, though I do not let Myself be heard; and that when I return to make Myself heard, I will come either to reward you, if you have been faithful to Me, or to chastise you, if you have been ungrateful to Me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I would be so frightened and terrified.\u00a0 Upon such intimation, I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, my All and my Life, how can I survive without You – who will give me the strength?\u00a0 How can this be?\u00a0 After You have made me leave everything, so much so that I feel as if no one existed for me – You want to leave me alone and abandoned.\u00a0 Have You perhaps forgotten how bad I am, and that without You I can do nothing?\u2019\u00a0 And because of this objection, assuming a more serious look, He would add:\u00a0 \u201cThe reason is that I want you to understand well who you are.\u00a0 See, I do this for your good; do not be saddened \u2013 I want to prepare your heart to receive the graces which I have designed for you.\u00a0 Up until now I have assisted you sensibly; now, less sensibly \u2013 I will make you touch your nothingness with your own hand; I will fuse you thoroughly in profound humility, in order to be able to build most high walls upon you.\u00a0 So, instead of afflicting yourself, you should rejoice and thank Me, because the more quickly I make you cross the stormy sea, the sooner you will reach the port of safety; the harder the trials to which I will submit you, the greater the graces I will give you.\u00a0 Courage then, courage, and I will come back soon.\u201d\u00a0 And in saying this, He seemed to bless me, and then He would leave.<\/p>\n

Who can say the pain I felt – the void He left in my interior, the bitter tears I shed?\u00a0 But I would resign myself to His Holy Will.\u00a0 It seemed that from afar I would kiss His hand which had blessed me, saying to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Good-bye, oh Holy Spouse, good-bye.\u2019\u00a0 I felt as if everything was over for me, because I had Him alone, and since He was missing, no other consolation was left to me, but everything would convert into most bitter pains.\u00a0 Even more, creatures themselves would provoke my pain, in such a way that all the things I would look at, seemed to say to me:\u00a0 \u201cSee, we are works of your Beloved \u2013 and He, where is He?\u201d\u00a0 If I looked at the water, at the fire, at flowers, and even at stones, immediately my thought would say:\u00a0 \u2018Ah! these are works of your Spouse.\u00a0 Ah! they have the good of seeing Him, and you do not see Him.\u00a0 O please! works of my Lord, give me news \u2013 tell me, where is He?\u00a0 He told me He would come soon, but who knows when.\u2019<\/p>\n

At times, I would reach such bitter desolation that I would feel breathless, ice cold all over, and a shiver throughout my whole person.\u00a0 Sometimes my family would notice it; they attributed it to a corporal malady and wanted to put me under treatment, and call doctors.\u00a0 Sometimes they insisted so much that they succeeded, but I would do as much as I could to remain alone; so, they noticed it only a few times.\u00a0 I remembered still, all the graces, the words, the corrections, the reproaches, and I could see with a clear eye how all the work done until then, everything – everything, had been the work of His grace, and that there was nothing left of me but the mere nothing and the inclination to evil.\u00a0 I could touch with my own hand how, without Him, I could no longer feel love so sensibly, and those lights so clear during meditation, such that I would remain there for two or three hours.\u00a0 However, I did as much as I could in order to do whatever I used to do when I felt Him within me, because I felt those words being repeated to me:\u00a0 \u201cIf you are faithful, I will come to reward you; if ungrateful, to chastise you.\u201d<\/p>\n

In this way I would spend sometimes two days, sometimes four, more or less, as He pleased.\u00a0 My only comfort was to receive Him in the Sacrament.\u00a0 Ah! yes, certainly I found Him there \u2013 I could not doubt; and I remember that only a few times He would not let Himself be heard, because I prayed Him and prayed Him and importuned Him so much, that He would content me.\u00a0 However, not loving and lovable, but severe.<\/p>\n

After I would spend those days in that state described above, especially if I had been faithful to Him, I would feel Him come back within me.\u00a0 He spoke to me more clearly, and since during the previous days I had not been able to conceive one word or feel anything within me, I came to know, then, that it was not my fantasy, as I would say many times before; so much so that, of what has been said up to here, I would not say anything, either to the confessor or to any other living soul.\u00a0 But I did as much as I could to correspond to Him, otherwise He would wage such a war against me, that I would have no peace.\u00a0 Ah Lord! You have been so good to me; and I, still so bad.<\/p>\n

Continuing what I had started, I would feel Him within me, I would hug Him, I would clasp Him to myself, and say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Beloved Good, see how bitter our separation has been for me.\u2019\u00a0 And He would say to me:\u00a0 \u2018What you have gone through is nothing yet \u2013 prepare yourself for harder trials.\u00a0 This is why I have come \u2013 to dispose your heart and to fortify it.\u00a0 Now you will tell me everything you have gone through \u2013 your doubts and fears, all of your difficulties, that I may teach you how to conduct yourself during my absence.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I would make Him the narration of my pains, telling Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, You see, without You I was unable to do anything good.\u00a0 The meditation \u2013 I did it all distracted, ugly; so much so that I would not have the courage to offer it to You at Communion.\u00a0 I was unable to stay there for hours, as when I could feel You; I saw myself alone, I had no one with whom to converse, I felt completely empty.\u00a0 The pain of your absence made me experience mortal agonies; my nature wanted to hurry up so as to escape that pain; more so, since it seemed to me that I would do nothing but waste time, with the fear that, in coming back, You might chastise me because I had not been faithful.\u00a0 So I didn\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 And then, the pain that You are continuously offended, and of not knowing when to do, as You taught me before, those acts of reparation, those visits to the Most Holy Sacrament for the different offenses You receive.\u00a0 Tell me a little bit, then, what should I have done?\u2019\u00a0 And He, benignly, instructing me, would say:<\/p>\n

1 \u2013 \u201cYou were wrong in being so disturbed.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know that I am Spirit of Peace, and the first thing I recommend is that you do not perturb the peace of the heart?\u00a0 When in prayer you are not able to recollect yourself, I do not want you to think of this or that \u2013 of how it is and how it is not \u2013 because by doing so, you yourself call the distraction.\u00a0 Instead, when you find yourself in that state, the first thing is to humble yourself, confessing yourself as deserving of those pains, placing yourself in the arms of the executioner, like a humble little lamb that, while being killed, licks his hand.\u00a0 So you – while seeing yourself beaten, disheartened, alone, you will resign yourself to my holy dispositions, you will thank Me wholeheartedly, you will kiss that hand of mine that strikes you, recognizing yourself unworthy of those pains. \u00a0Then, you will offer to Me those bitternesses, anguishes, tediums, praying Me to accept them as a sacrifice of praise, of satisfaction for your sins, of reparation for the offenses that they give Me.\u00a0 By doing so, your prayer will ascend before my throne as most fragrant incense; it will wound my Heart, and you will draw new graces and new charisms upon yourself.\u00a0 In seeing you humble and resigned, all sunken into your nothingness, the devil will not have the strength to get close.\u00a0 And here is how, where you thought you were losing, you will make great gains.\u201d<\/p>\n

2 \u2013 With regard to Communion, I do not want you to afflict yourself because you are not able to stay there; know that this is a shadow of the pains I suffered in Gethsemani.\u00a0 What will happen when I make you share in the scourges, the thorns and the nails?\u00a0 The thought of greater pains will make you suffer the minor pains with more courage.\u00a0 So, when during Communion you find yourself alone, agonizing, think that I want you a little bit as company in my agony in the garden.\u00a0 Therefore, place yourself near Me, and make a comparison between your pains and mine:\u00a0 see, you – alone and without Me; and I too – alone, abandoned by my most faithful friends who are there sleeping; left alone even by my Divine Father; and then, in the midst of most bitter pains, surrounded by snakes, by vipers, by rabid dogs, which were the sins of men \u2013 and yours were there too, doing their part – such that they seemed to want to devour Me alive.\u00a0 My Heart was taken by such grips, that I felt It as if It were under a press; so much so, that I sweat living blood.\u00a0 Tell Me, when have you arrived at suffering so much?\u00a0 Therefore, when you find yourself without Me, afflicted, empty of any consolation, filled with sadnesses, with worries, with pains, come close to Me, wipe that blood from Me, offer those pains to Me as relief for my most bitter agony.\u00a0 By doing so, you will find the way to be able to remain with Me after Communion.\u00a0 It is not that you will not suffer, because the most bitter pain I can give to the souls dear to Me is to deprive them of Me; but by thinking that with that suffering of yours you give relief to Me, you will also be content.<\/p>\n

3 \u2013 As for the visits and acts of reparation, you must know that everything I did in the course of thirty-three years, from when I was born, up to when I died, I am continuing in the Sacrament of the altar.\u00a0 Therefore, I want you to visit Me thirty-three times a day, honoring my years and also uniting with Me in the Sacrament, with my own intentions \u2013 that is, reparation, adoration\u2026.\u00a0 This you will do at all times:\u00a0 with the first thought of the morning, fly immediately before the tabernacle in which I am present for love of you, and visit Me; with the last thought of the evening, while you sleep at night, before and after your meal, at the beginning of each one of your actions, while walking, working\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

While He was saying this to me, I saw myself all confused.\u00a0 Not knowing whether I could manage to do them, I said to him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, I pray You to be with me until I acquire the habit of doing them, for I know that with You I can do everything – but without You, what can I, miserable one, do?\u2019\u00a0 And He, benignly, added:\u00a0 \u201cYes, yes, I will content you \u2013 when have I ever failed you?\u00a0 I want your goodwill, for whatever help you want, I will give to you.\u201d\u00a0 And so He did.<\/p>\n

After I had spent some time, now with Him, and now without, one day, after Communion, I felt more intimately united to Him.\u00a0 He asked me various questions, as for example:\u00a0 if I loved Him, if I was ready to do what He wanted, even the sacrifice of my life for love of Him.\u00a0 He also said to me:\u00a0 \u201cAnd you – tell me what you want; if you are ready to do what I want, I too will do what you want.\u201d\u00a0 I saw myself all confused; I could not understand that way of operating of His.\u00a0 But with time I understood that that way of acting is when He wants to dispose the soul to new and heavy crosses; and He knows how to draw her so close to Himself with those stratagems, that the soul does not dare to oppose what He wants.\u00a0 So I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Yes, I love You; but You tell me, Yourself \u2013 can I find anything more beautiful, more holy, more lovable than You?\u00a0 And then, why ask me if I am ready to do what You want, when it has been so long since I delivered my will to You, and I prayed You not to spare me even tearing me to pieces, as long as I may give You pleasure?\u00a0 I abandon myself in You, Oh Holy Spouse \u2013 operate freely, do with me whatever You want; give me your grace, for by myself I am nothing and can do nothing.\u2019<\/p>\n

And He repeated to me:\u00a0 \u201cAre you truly ready for anything I want?\u201d\u00a0 I saw myself more confused, annihilated, and I said:\u00a0 \u2018Yes, I am ready\u2019 \u2013 but almost trembling.\u00a0 And He, compassionating me, continued to tell me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear, I will be your strength \u2013 it is not you who will suffer, but I Myself will suffer and fight within you.\u00a0 See, I want to purify your soul from every slightest spot which might hinder my love in you; I want to test your faithfulness.\u00a0 But how can I see if this is true, other than by placing you in the midst of the battle?\u00a0 Know then, that I want to put you in the midst of demons.\u00a0 I will give them freedom to torment you and to tempt you, so that after you have fought the virtues with the opposite vices, you may already find yourself in possession of those very virtues which you think you are losing.\u00a0 And then, your soul, purged, embellished, enriched, will be like a king returning victorious from a most fierce war, who, while he thought he would lose what he possessed, comes back more glorious and filled with immense riches.\u00a0 Then will I come; I will form in you my dwelling, and we will be always together.\u00a0 It is true that your state will be painful; the demons will give you no more peace, either at daytime or at night \u2013 they will always be in act of waging a most fierce war against you.\u00a0 But you, always keep your aim at what I want to make of you \u2013 that is, making you similar to Me \u2013 and at the fact that you will not be able to arrive at this, other than by means of many and great tribulations.\u00a0 In this way, you will have more courage to bear the pains.\u201d<\/p>\n

Who can say how frightened I was at such announcement?\u00a0 I felt my blood freeze, my hair curl, my imagination filled by black ghosts that seemed to want to devour me alive.\u00a0 It seemed to me that, before putting me in that painful state, the Lord gave freedom to everything I was to suffer, and I saw myself surrounded by all this.\u00a0 So I turned to Him, and said to Him:\u00a0 \u201cLord, have pity on me!\u00a0 O please! do not leave me alone and abandoned.\u00a0 I see that the rage of the demons is such that they will leave not even the dust of me \u2013 how shall I be able to resist them?\u00a0 My misery, and how bad I am, is well known to You; therefore, give me new grace that I may not offend You.\u00a0 My Lord, the pain that most torments my soul is to see that You too must leave me.\u00a0 Ah! to whom shall I say a word any more? Who will teach me?\u00a0 However, may your Will be always done – I bless your Holy Will.<\/p>\n

And He, benignly, continued to say:\u00a0 \u201cDo not afflict yourself so much; know that I will never allow them to tempt you beyond your strengths.\u00a0 If I allow this, it is for your good.\u00a0 I never put souls in battles so that they may perish; first I measure their strengths, I give them my grace, and then I put them in.\u00a0 And if some souls fall, it is because they do not remain united to Me by means of prayer; no longer feeling the sensitivity of my love, they go begging for love from creatures, while I alone can satiate the human heart.\u00a0 They do not let themselves be guided by the sure path of obedience, believing more in their own judgment, than in those who guide them in my place.\u00a0 So, what is the wonder if they fall?\u00a0 Therefore, what I recommend to you is prayer.\u00a0 Even if you should suffer pains of death, you must never neglect that which you are used to doing; even more, the more you see yourself in the abyss, the more you will invoke the help of the One who can free you.\u00a0 Still more, I want you to place yourself, blindly, in the hands of the confessor, without examining what is being said to you.\u00a0 You will be surrounded by darkness, and will be like one who has no eyes, and who needs a hand to guide her.\u00a0 The eye for you will be the voice of the confessor, which, like light, will clear the darkness from you; the hand will be obedience, which will be your guide and support to make you reach a safe harbor.\u00a0 The last thing I recommend to you is courage.\u00a0 I want you to enter the battle with intrepidity.\u00a0 The thing that an opposing army fears the most is to see courage, strength, the way in which one confronts the most dangerous fights, without fearing anything.\u00a0 So the demons are; there is nothing they fear more than a courageous soul who, all cleaving to Me, with a strong spirit, goes into their midst – not to be wounded, but with the firm resolve to wound them and to exterminate them.\u00a0 The demons are left frightened, terrified, and would rather flee; but they cannot, because they are bound by my Will, and they are forced to stay, to their greater torment.\u00a0 Therefore, do not fear them, for they can do nothing to you without my Will.\u00a0 And then, when I see that you can no longer resist and are about to fail, if you are faithful to Me, I will come immediately, I will put everyone to flight, and I will give you grace and strength.\u00a0 Courage then, courage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, who can say the change that occurred in my interior?\u00a0 Everything was horror for me.\u00a0 That love which I felt in me before, I saw now changed into atrocious hate.\u00a0 What pain, not being able to love Him any more.\u00a0 The thought that that Lord, who had been so good to me, I was now forced to abhor, to curse, as if He were the most cruel enemy – tortured my soul.\u00a0 I could not look at Him, even in His images, because in looking at them, in holding rosary beads in my hands, in kissing them, such rushes of hate came to me, and such force, that doing that and reducing everything to pieces was the same.\u00a0 And sometimes I put up such resistance that my nature trembled from head to foot.\u00a0 Oh! God, what a most bitter pain.\u00a0 I believe that if in hell there were no other pains, just the pain of not being able to love God would form the most horrible hell.\u00a0 Many times the devil would place before me the graces that the Lord had given me, now as a crafting of my imagination so that I would conduct a life more free, more comfortable; and now as true, and they reproached me by saying:\u00a0 \u201cIs this the love He had for you?\u00a0 Is this the recompense \u2013 leaving you in our hands?\u00a0 You belong to us, you belong to us, everything is over for you, there is nothing left to hope for.\u201d\u00a0 And I felt such rushes of indignation against the Lord, and of desperation, being cast into my interior, that many times, if I found myself with some images in my hands, the force of the indignation was such that I would tear them apart.\u00a0 But while doing this, I would cry and kiss them \u2013 but I don\u2019t know how I was forced to do that.<\/p>\n

Now, who can say the torment of my soul?\u00a0 The demons made feast and laughed \u2013 some would make noise from one point, some from another; some would yell and shout, some would deafen me with screams, saying:\u00a0 \u201cSee how you belong to us \u2013 there is nothing left but taking you to hell, body and soul, and then you will see what we will do to you.\u201d\u00a0 Sometimes I felt myself being pulled \u2013 now my clothes, now the chair on which I was kneeling; they would move it and yell so much that I could not pray.\u00a0 And sometimes the fear was such that, thinking I could free myself, I would go and lay down in bed (since these dins occurred mostly at night); but even there, they would follow me, pulling the pillow and the blankets.\u00a0 Now, who can say the fright, the fear I felt?\u00a0 I myself did not know where I was, whether on earth or in hell.\u00a0 The fear that they would really take me away was such that I could no longer close my eyes to sleep.\u00a0 I was like one who has a cruel enemy who has sworn to take his life away at any cost; and I believed that this would happen to me as soon as I would close my eyes.\u00a0 Therefore I felt as if someone put something inside of them, in such a way that I was forced to keep them wide open to see when they were going to take me away \u2013 who knows, I might pluck up the strength to oppose what they wanted to do.\u00a0 I felt my hair stand on end, one by one over my head; a cold sweat throughout my whole person, which penetrated deep into my bones; and I felt my nerves and bones being disjointed, one by one, and wriggling about out of fear.<\/p>\n

Other times, I felt incited to such temptations of desperation and of suicide, that sometimes, finding myself close to the well or to a knife, I felt drawn to throw myself into it, or to take the knife and kill myself.\u00a0 The effort I had to make in order to run away was so great, that I felt pains of death; and while running away, I felt them come after me, suggesting to me that it was useless for me to live after I had committed so many sins, and that God had abandoned me because I had not been faithful.\u00a0 Even more, I felt as if I had done many wicked deeds, which no soul in the world had ever committed; therefore for me there was no more mercy to hope for.\u00a0 In the depth of my soul I felt repeat:\u00a0 \u2018How can you live as enemy of God?\u00a0 Do you know Who that God is, whom you have so much offended, cursed, hated?\u00a0 Ah! that immense God who surrounded you everywhere – and you, under His very eyes, have dared to offend Him.\u00a0 Ah! now that you have lost the God of your soul, who will ever give you peace?\u00a0 Who will free you from so many enemies?\u2019\u00a0 The pain was such that I did nothing but cry.\u00a0 Sometimes I would start to pray, and I would feel the demons come over me to increase my torment, and some would beat me, some would prick me, some would suffocate my throat.\u00a0 I remember that once, while I was praying, I felt my feet being pulled from underneath the earth, and the earth open, and flames come out; and I was sinking into it.\u00a0 The fright and the pain were such that I remained half-dead; so much so, that in order to make me recover from that state, Jesus Christ came and consoled me.\u00a0 He made me understand that it was not true that I had placed my will to offend Him, and that I myself could know this from the most bitter pain that I felt; that the devil was a liar, and that I should not pay attention to him; that for now I had to have patience in suffering those bothers, and that, later, peace would come.\u00a0 This would happen from time to time, when I would really come to the extremes, and, sometimes, in order to put me into more bitter torments.\u00a0 In the act of that comfort the soul would be convinced, because before that light it is impossible for the soul not to learn the truth; but then, when I was in the fight, I would find myself in the same state as before.<\/p>\n

He[1]<\/a> also tempted me not to receive Communion, persuading me that after I had committed so many sins, it was a boldness to go there, and that if I dared to, not Jesus Christ, but the devil would come, and would give me so many torments as to make me die.\u00a0 However, obedience would win.\u00a0 It is true that sometimes I suffered mortal pains, such that I could hardly come round after Communion, but since the confessor absolutely wanted me to receive It, I could not do otherwise.\u00a0 I remember that quite a few times I did not receive It.<\/p>\n

I also remember that sometimes, while I was praying in the evening, they would turn off the lamp; sometimes they would let out such roars as to strike fear; other times, feeble voices as if they were dying.\u00a0 But who can say all that they would do?\u00a0 It is impossible.<\/p>\n

So, this hard trial, though I don\u2019t remember too well, lasted for three years; however, there were days or weeks of interval.\u00a0 It is not that they would cease completely, but they began to mitigate.<\/p>\n

I remember that, after one Communion, the Lord taught me what to do in order to put them to flight \u2013 and this was to despise them and not to bother about them at all, and to consider them as if they were as many ants.\u00a0 I felt so much strength being infused in me, that I no longer felt that fear of before.\u00a0 And I would act in this way:\u00a0 when they made clamors and noise, I would say to them:\u00a0 \u2018It shows that you have nothing to do, and that in order to spend time you are doing so many silly things.\u00a0 Go ahead, do them, for when you get tired, you will stop it.\u2019\u00a0 Sometimes they would stop; other times they would get so angry, and would make greater noise.\u00a0 I felt them near me, making themselves stronger and doing violence to themselves in order to take me away; I smelled the horrible stench, and felt the heat of the fire.\u00a0 It is true that in my interior I felt a certain shiver, but I would pluck up strength, and say to them:\u00a0 \u2018Liars that you are – if this were true, you would have done it from the first day.\u00a0 But since it is false, and you have no power over me but that which is given to you from above – go ahead, keep singing; and then, when you get tired, you will croak.\u2019\u00a0 If then they sent out laments and shouts, I would say to them:\u00a0 \u2018What is this \u2013 you could not add to the accounts today?\u2019, that is:\u00a0 \u2018Have some souls been taken away from you, that you lament?\u00a0 Poor ones, they don\u2019t feel well; but I too want to make you lament a little bit more.\u2019\u00a0 And I would begin to pray for sinners, or to do acts of reparation.\u00a0 Sometimes I would laugh when they started to do the usual things; and I would say to them:\u00a0 \u2018How can I fear you, cowardly species?\u00a0 If you were serious beings, you would not have done so many silly things.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you yourselves feel ashamed? Don\u2019t you let yourselves be made fun of?\u2019\u00a0 If then they tempted me with blasphemies or hatred against God, I would offer Him that most bitter pain, that violence I made to myself in seeing that, while the Lord deserved all the love, all the praises, I was forced to do the opposite – in reparation for many who blaspheme against Him freely, and who do not even remember that a God exists, whom they are obliged to love in return.\u00a0 If they incited me to desperation, in my interior I would say:\u00a0 \u2018I don\u2019t care either about hell or about paradise; what I care about is to love my God.\u00a0 This is not the time to think about anything else; rather, it is the time to love my good God as much as I can.\u00a0 Paradise and hell I place in His hands \u2013 He, who is so good, will give me what is best for me, and will give me a place in which I can glorify Him the most.\u2019<\/p>\n

Jesus Christ taught me that the most effective means so that the soul would remain free of any vain apprehension, of any doubt, of any fear, was to protest before Heaven, the earth and the very demons, that she does not want to offend God, even at the cost of her life, and that she does not want to consent to any temptation of the devil.\u00a0 And this, as soon as the soul feels the coming of the temptation, in the act of the battle, if she can, and as she begins to feel free – and also during the course of the day.\u00a0 By doing this, the soul will not waste time in thinking about whether she has consented or not, because the mere memory of the protest will already give her calm; and if the devil tries to disturb her, she will be able to answer that if she had the intention of offending God, she would not have protested the opposite.\u00a0 In this way, she will remain free of any fear.<\/p>\n

Now, who can say the rage of the devil, since all his tricks resolved into confusion for himself, and there where he thought he would gain, he would lose, and his very temptations and tricks were used by the soul in order to make acts of reparation and love for her God by acting in this way.<\/p>\n

The other way He taught me in casting away temptations was the following:\u00a0 if they tempted me to suicide, I was to answer:\u00a0 \u2018You have no permission from God; on the contrary, to your annoyance I want to live, so as to be able to love my God more.\u2019\u00a0 If then they beat me and hit me, I was to humble myself, kneel and thank my God, because this was happening as a penance for my sins; not only this, but to offer everything as acts of reparation for all the offenses against God that were given in the world.<\/p>\n

Lastly, an ugly temptation that lasted for a short while was that, after being in continuous contact with demons so ugly for about one and a half years, I would become pregnant and deliver a little demon with horns.\u00a0 My imagination would breed itself in such a way, that I saw myself in a horrible confusion in the face of what people would say about me, because of such an awful event.<\/p>\n

Finally, after about one and a half years of this fight, the cruelties of the demons ceased, and a whole new life began, although the demons did not stop molesting me from time to time.\u00a0 However, it was not so frequent, the battle was not so fierce, and I became used to despising them.<\/p>\n

The new life that began was at the Farm called \u201cTorre Disperata\u201d.\u00a0 One day, while more than ever I had been tormented by the devil, to the point that I felt myself losing my strengths and fainting, around evening, while I was in this state, I felt I was having a deadly fit and I lost consciousness.\u00a0 In that state, I saw Jesus Christ surrounded by many enemies \u2013 some were beating Him, some were slapping Him, some were driving thorns into His head, some were breaking His legs, some His arms.\u00a0 After they reduced Him almost to pieces, they put Him in the arms of the Madonna; and this happened not too far from me. \u00a0After the Most Holy Virgin took Him in Her arms, She drew near me, and crying, She said to me:\u00a0 \u201cDaughter, see how my Son is treated by men – the horrible offenses they commit, which never give Him respite.\u00a0 Look at Him, how He suffers.\u201d\u00a0 And I tried to look at Him, and I saw Him all blood, all wounds, and almost cut up, reduced to a mortal state.\u00a0 I felt such pains that I would have wanted to die a thousand times rather than see my Lord suffer so much.\u00a0 I felt ashamed of my little sufferings.\u00a0 The Most Holy Virgin added, but always crying:\u00a0 \u201cCome closer to kiss the wounds of my Son.\u00a0 He chooses you as victim, and if many offend Him, you, by offering yourself to suffer what He suffers, will give Him a relief in so much suffering.\u00a0 Won\u2019t you accept?\u201d\u00a0 I felt so annihilated; I saw myself so bad (as I am still) and unworthy, that I did not dare to say \u201cyes\u201d.\u00a0 My nature trembled; I felt so weak from the past pains, that it barely left me a thread of life.\u00a0 Then, I don\u2019t know how, I saw demons yelling and shouting from afar, and that everything I had seen them do to the Lord, they were going to do to me, if I accepted.\u00a0 I felt such pains, sufferings, straining of nerves within me, that I thought I was going to leave life.<\/p>\n

Finally, I drew near and I kissed His wounds.\u00a0 It seemed that, after I did that, those limbs so lacerated would heal, and the Lord, who before seemed to be almost dead, would begin to revive to new life.\u00a0 Interiorly, I received such lights about the offenses that are given, and attractions to accept being a victim even if I should suffer a thousand deaths, for the Lord deserved everything, and I could not oppose what He wanted.\u00a0 This happened while we were in mute silence.\u00a0 But those gazes that we exchanged were as many invitations, as many burning darts that pierced my heart through.\u00a0 The Most Holy Virgin, especially, spurred me on to accept; but who can say all that I went through?\u00a0 Finally, looking at me benignly, the Lord said to me:\u00a0 \u201cYou have seen how much they offend Me, and how many walk along the paths of iniquity, and without realizing it, fall into the abyss.\u00a0 Come to offer yourself before Divine Justice as victim of reparation for the offenses that are given, and for the conversion of sinners who, with eyes closed, drink at the poisoned fount of sin.\u00a0A large field of sufferings opens before you, yes – but also of graces; I will never leave you again, I will come within you to suffer all that men do to Me, making you share in my pains.\u00a0 For help and comfort, I give you my Mother.\u201d\u00a0 And He seemed to deliver me to Her – and She accepted me.\u00a0 I too offered all of myself to Him and to the Virgin – ready to do what He wanted; and this is how it ended the first time.<\/p>\n

After I came round from that state, I felt such pains, such annihilation of myself, that I saw myself as a miserable little worm that was able to do nothing but crawl on the earth.\u00a0 And I said to the Lord:\u00a0 \u2018Help \u2013 your omnipotence knocks me down; I see that if You do not lift me up, my nothingness is undone and will be dissolved.\u00a0 Give me suffering, but I pray You to give me strength, for I feel myself dying.\u2019\u00a0 And so an alternation began, of visits from Our Lord and of torments on the part of demons.\u00a0 The more I resigned myself, the more they increased their rage.<\/p>\n

A few days after what is said above, I felt I was losing consciousness again (I remember that, at the beginning, every time I felt such a state come to me, I thought I was going to leave life).\u00a0 As I lost consciousness, Our Lord made Himself seen once again with the crown of thorns on His head, all dripping with blood; and turning to me, He said:\u00a0 \u201cDaughter, take a look at what men do to Me.\u00a0 In these sad times their pride is so great that they have infested all the air; and the stench that spreads everywhere is such, that it has reached even before my throne in Heaven.\u00a0 They act in such a way as to close Heaven by themselves.\u00a0 The miserable ones have no eyes to know the truth, because they are obfuscated by the sin of pride, with the sequel of the other vices which they carry with them.\u00a0 O please! give Me a relief from so many bitter spasms, and a reparation for so many wrongdoings against Me.\u201d\u00a0 And in saying this, He removed the crown from Himself, which did not look like a crown, but all one piece, such that not even a little portion of the head remained free, but it was all pierced through by those thorns.\u00a0 As He removed the crown, He drew near me and asked me if I accepted it.\u00a0 I felt so annihilated; I felt such pains because of the offenses that are given, that I felt my heart split.\u00a0 I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, do with me what You want.\u2019\u00a0 And so He took it, He drove it onto my head, and He disappeared.<\/p>\n

Now, who can say the spasms I felt when I came back into myself?\u00a0 At each movement of my head I thought I would breathe my last, so many were the pains and the prickings I felt in my head, in my eyes, in my ears, behind my neck.\u00a0 I felt those thorns penetrate even into my mouth, and it clenched in such a way that I could not open it to take food, so I would remain sometimes two days, sometimes three, without being able to take anything.\u00a0 When they somehow mitigated, I would feel, sensibly, a hand that pressed my head and renewed the pains; and sometimes the spasms were such that I would lose consciousness because of the pain.\u00a0 At the beginning, this would happen on certain days, while on others it wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 When they were repeated, it would be three or four times a day, and they would last sometimes a quarter of an hour, sometimes half an hour, sometimes one hour, and then I would remain free, though feeling very weak and in suffering.\u00a0 I would remain in suffering, more or less, depending on how much those pains were communicated to me during that state of dozing.<\/p>\n

I also remember that since sometimes, because of the sufferings in my head, as I said above, I could not open my mouth in order to take food, and since my family knew that I didn\u2019t really want to be in the countryside, when they saw that I was not eating, they would attribute it to a fuss of mine, and naturally they would become irritated, they would get upset, and they would mock me.\u00a0 My nature wanted to resent this, because I saw that what they were saying was not true, but the Lord did not want this resentment – and here is how it happened:<\/p>\n

One evening, while we were at table, and I was in this state of not being able to open my mouth, my family began to get upset.\u00a0 I was so affected that I started to cry, and in order not to be seen, I got up and I went somewhere else, continuing to cry; and I prayed Jesus Christ and the Most Holy Virgin to give me help and strength in order to bear this trial.\u00a0 But as I was doing this, I felt I was beginning to lose consciousness.\u00a0 Oh God! what pain – the mere thought that my family was going to see me, for until then, they had not noticed it.\u00a0 At that moment, I said:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, do not permit that they see me.\u2019\u00a0 I was so ashamed to be seen, that I myself cannot explain why, and I tried as much as I could to hide in places where I could not be seen.\u00a0 When, then, I was caught by surprise, in such a way that I would not have the time to hide, or at least to kneel – for whatever position I was in, I would remain in it, and they could say I was there praying \u2013 then I would be found out.\u00a0 As I lost consciousness, Our Lord made Himself seen in the midst of many enemies who were giving Him all sorts of insults; especially, they grabbed Him and trampled Him underfoot, they blasphemed Him, they pulled His hair.\u00a0 It seemed to me that my good Jesus wanted to escape from under those fetid soles, and He kept looking – who knows, He might find a friendly hand who would free Him; but He found no one.\u00a0 While seeing this, I did nothing but cry over the pains of my Lord.\u00a0 I wanted to go into the midst of those enemies \u2013 who knows, maybe I could free Him; but I did not dare to.\u00a0 I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, let me share in your pains.\u00a0 O please! if only I could relieve You and free You.\u2019\u00a0 As I was saying this, those enemies, as if they had understood, came against me \u2013 but so enraged; and they began to beat me, to pull my hair, to trample me.\u00a0 I had so much fear; I suffered, yes, but within me I was content, because I could see that the Lord was given a little bit of respite.\u00a0 Afterwards, those enemies disappeared, and I remained alone with my Jesus.\u00a0 I tried to compassionate Him, but I did not dare to say anything.\u00a0 And He, breaking the silence, said to me:\u00a0 \u201cAll that you have seen is nothing compared to the offenses that they give Me continuously.\u00a0 Their blindness, the engulfing of earthly things, is so great, that they reach the point of becoming not only my cruel enemies, but also enemies of themselves; and since their eyes are fixed on the mud, they reach the point of despising the Eternal.\u00a0 Who will put a mend to so much ingratitude?\u00a0 Who will have compassion for so many people, who cost Me blood, and who live almost buried in the stench of earthly things?\u00a0 O please! come with Me, and pray and cry together with Me for so many blind who are all eyes for all that gives of earth, and then despise and trample my graces under their filthy feet, as if they were mud.\u00a0 O please! lift yourself above all that is earth \u2013 abhor and despise all that does not belong to Me.\u00a0 Do not be affected any more by the insults you receive from your family, after you have seen Me suffer so much; but take to heart only my honor, the offenses that they give Me continuously, the loss of so many souls.\u00a0 O please! do not leave Me alone in the midst of so many pains that torture my Heart.\u00a0 All that you are suffering now is little compared to the pains you will suffer.\u00a0 Have I not always told you that what I want from you is the imitation of my Life?\u00a0 Take a look at how dissimilar you are from Me.\u00a0 Therefore, pluck up courage and do not fear.\u201d<\/p>\n

After this, I returned into myself, and then I realized that I was surrounded by my family.\u00a0 They were crying and were all in distress; and they had such fear that that state might happen again and, especially, that I might die, that they brought me back to Corato as quickly as they could, so that I might be observed by doctors.\u00a0 I can\u2019t explain why, I felt such pain at the thought that I was to be visited by doctors, that many times I cried and lamented to the Lord, saying to Him:\u00a0 \u2018How many times, oh Lord, I prayed You to let me suffer hiddenly.\u00a0 This was my only and sole contentment; and now I am deprived also of this.\u00a0 O please! tell me, what shall I do?\u00a0 You alone can help me and relieve me in my affliction.\u00a0 Don\u2019t You see how many things they say?\u00a0 One thinks in one way, one in another; one wants have one remedy applied on me, one, another \u2013 they are all eyes over me, in such a way that they give me no more peace.\u00a0 O please! help me in so many pains, for I feel life failing me.\u2019<\/p>\n

And the Lord, benignly, added:\u00a0 \u201cDo not want to afflict yourself because of this.\u00a0 What I want from you is that you abandon yourself as though dead in my arms.\u00a0 Until you keep your eyes opened to look at what I am doing, and at what the creatures do and say, I cannot operate freely upon you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you want to trust Me?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know how much I love you, and that everything I allow, either through creatures, or on the part of demons, or directly from Me, is for your true good and serves for nothing other than to lead the soul to that state for which I have chosen her?\u00a0 Therefore, I want you to remain in my arms with your eyes closed, without looking at and investigating this or that, trusting Me completely, and letting Me operate freely.\u00a0 If then you want to do the opposite, you will lose much time, and will come to oppose what I want to do with you.\u00a0 As for creatures, use profound silence, be benign and submissive with everyone; let your life, your breath, your thoughts and affections be continuous acts of reparations to placate my Justice, offering Me, along with them, the bothers from creatures, which will not be few.\u201d<\/p>\n

After this, I did as much as I could to resign myself to the Will of God, although many times I was put in such constraints by creatures, that at times I would do nothing but cry.\u00a0 The time also came to have me visited by the doctor, and he judged that it was nothing other than a nervous issue; so he prescribed medicines, distractions, strolls, cold baths.\u00a0 He recommended to my family that they watch well over me when I was surprised by that state, \u201cbecause\u201d, he said, \u201cif you move her, you can break her, but not fix her\u201d, since, when I was surprised by that state, I would remain petrified.<\/p>\n

So, a war arose on the part of my family.\u00a0 They prevented me from going to church; they no longer gave me that freedom to be by myself; I was watched everywhere, and so they noticed it more often.\u00a0 Many times, I lamented to the Lord, saying to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My good Jesus, how my pains have increased \u2013 I am deprived also of the things dearest to me, which are the Sacraments.\u00a0 I had never thought I would reach this point.\u00a0 But who knows where I will end up!\u00a0 O please! give me help and strength, for my nature is failing me.\u2019\u00a0 Many times He would deign to tell me a few words.\u00a0 He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI am your help, what do you fear?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you remember that I too suffered from all kinds of people – some had one opinion about Me, some another.\u00a0 The holiest things I did were judged by them as faulty, wicked, to the point of telling Me that I was possessed; so much so, that they would look at Me with surly eyes.\u00a0 They would keep Me in their midst, but unwillingly, and would plot among themselves on how they could take my life away the soonest, for my presence had become intolerable for them.\u00a0 So, don\u2019t you want Me to make you similar to Me, by making you suffer on the part of creatures?\u201d<\/p>\n

So I spent several years suffering on the part of creatures, from demons, and directly from God.\u00a0 At times I reached such bitterness from creatures and from the way they thought, that I was ashamed of being seen by anyone; so much so, that my greatest sacrifice was to appear in the midst of people \u2013 the blushing and the confusion were such, that I felt dazed.\u00a0 There were more visits from other doctors, but they came up with nothing.\u00a0 Sometimes, shedding bitter tears, I would say to Him with all my heart:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, how public my sufferings have become \u2013 not only to my family, but also to strangers.\u00a0 I see myself all covered with confusion; it seems to me that everyone is pointing his finger at me, as if these sufferings were the most wicked actions.\u00a0 I myself am unable to say what has happened to me.\u00a0 O please! You alone can free me from such publicity, and let me suffer hiddenly.\u00a0 I pray You, I implore you \u2013 answer me.\u2019\u00a0 Sometimes the Lord too showed He would not listen to me, and my pains would increase.\u00a0 Other times, then, He would compassionate me, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cPoor daughter, come to Me for I want to console you.\u00a0 You are right that you suffer, but don\u2019t you remember that I too \u2013 oh! how much more I suffered.\u00a0 Up to a certain point, my pains remained hidden, but when the Will of the Father came for Me to suffer in public, promptly I went out to meet confusions, opprobrium, scorns, to the point of being stripped naked in the midst of a most numerous people.\u00a0 Could you imagine a confusion greater than this?\u00a0 My nature greatly felt these kinds of sufferings, but I had my gaze fixed on the Will of the Father, and I offered those pains in reparation for many who commit the most wicked actions publicly, with open eyes, boasting about them without the slightest blush.\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Father, accept my confusions and opprobrium in reparation for many who have the insolence to offend You so freely, without the slightest sorrow.\u00a0 Forgive them, give them light, that they may see the ugliness of sin, and convert.\u2019\u00a0 I want to make you too share in these kinds of sufferings.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know that the most beautiful presents I can give to the souls I love are crosses and pains?\u00a0 You are still a little girl in the way of the cross; this is why you feel too weak.\u00a0 Once you have grown up and have known how precious suffering is, then you will feel stronger.\u00a0 Therefore, lean on Me \u2013 rest, for in this way you will acquire strength.\u201d<\/p>\n

After I spent some time in this state mentioned above \u2013 about six or seven months \u2013 the sufferings increased more, to the point that I was forced to stay in bed.\u00a0 Often that state of losing consciousness multiplied, to the point that I would almost not have one hour free.\u00a0 I reduced myself to a state of extreme weakness; my mouth clenched in such a way that I could not open it at all, and in the few free moments I would have, I was able to take just a few drops of some drink, if I managed at all.\u00a0 And then I was forced to bring it up, because of the continuous vomiting which I have always had.\u00a0 After I remained about eighteen days in this continuous state, they sent for the confessor, so that I could confess.\u00a0 When the confessor came, he found me in that state of dozing.\u00a0 When I came round, he asked me what was wrong with me.\u00a0Keeping silent about all the rest, and since at that time the troubles of the demons and the visits of Our Lord continued, I only said to him:\u00a0 \u2018Father, it is the devil.\u2019\u00a0 He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not be afraid, for it is not the devil; and if it is, father will free you.\u201d\u00a0 So, giving me the obedience and marking me with the sign of the cross, and helping me to loosen my arms, for I felt my whole body petrified as if it had become one single piece, he managed to restore the motion of my arms, and to let me open my mouth, which before had been unmovable to everything.\u00a0 I attributed this to the sanctity of my confessor, who was truly a holy priest.\u00a0 I held this almost as a miracle; so much so, that I would say to myself:\u00a0 \u2018See, I was prepared to die\u2019 – because I really felt ill, and if that state had lasted, I believe I would have left life.\u00a0 However, I remember that I was resigned, and that when I saw myself free, I felt a certain regret for not having died.<\/p>\n

Then, after the confessor went away and I remained free, I returned to the state of before.\u00a0 And so it happened that I spent, sometimes one week, sometimes fifteen days, and even months, being surprised by that state every now and then during the day, and I was able to free myself by myself.\u00a0 But when I was found out very frequently, as I said before, my family would then send for the confessor; more so, since they had seen that the first time I had been freed, while everyone believed that I would never again recover from that state.\u00a0 But then I went down to church and I returned to that state again, and so they would send for the confessor, and then I would be freed.\u00a0 However, it had never crossed my mind that it would take the priest to free me from such a state, or that my malady was an extraordinary thing.\u00a0 It is true that when I would lose consciousness I could see Jesus Christ, but I attributed this to the goodness of Our Lord, and would say to myself:\u00a0 \u2018See how good the Lord is toward me, that He comes to give me strength in this state of sufferings; otherwise, how could I endure it \u2013 who would give me the strength?\u2019\u00a0 It is also true that when such a state was going to occur, in the morning, at Communion He would tell me, and in that very state, the sufferings would come to me from He Himself.\u00a0 But I would pay attention to none of this; at the mere thought, sometimes, of telling this to the confessor, I felt I was the proudest soul that existed in the world if I dared to open my mouth to speak of these things – of seeing Jesus Christ.\u00a0 And I would feel such blushing, that it was impossible to say anything to that confessor, as good and holy as he was.<\/p>\n

It was so true that I did not think that it would take the priest to free me, but that this was happening because of the sanctity of my confessor, that when the time came that he went away to the countryside, one morning, after Communion, the Lord made me understand that I was going to be surprised by that state, inviting me to keep Him company by sharing in His pains \u2013 and I immediately said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, how am I going to do this – the confessor is not here; who is going to free me?\u00a0 Maybe You want to make me die now?\u2019\u00a0 And the Lord just told me:\u00a0 \u201cYour trust must be only in Me.\u00a0 Be resigned, because resignation renders the soul luminous, and it keeps all other passions in their place, in such a way that, attracted by those rays of light, I go into that soul and I transform her completely into Myself, and I make her live of my own Life.\u201d<\/p>\n

I resigned myself to His Holy Will; I offered that Communion as the last one of my life, and I gave the last good-bye to Jesus in the Sacrament.\u00a0 But, though resigned, I felt my nature so much, that for that whole day I did nothing but cry and pray the Lord to give me strength.\u00a0 In truth, that situation turned out to be so very bitter to me, and without thinking or knowing, I found myself with a new and heavy cross, such that I believe it has been the heaviest I have had in my life.\u00a0 While I was in that state of sufferings, as for me, I would think of nothing but dying and doing the Will of God.\u00a0 On the part of my family, which also suffered in seeing me in that state, they tried to send for some priest, but one would not come because of this, another because of that.\u00a0 After ten days came the confessor who used to confess me when I was little, and it happened that he too was able to make me come round from that state.\u00a0 Then I realized the net in which the Lord had wrapped me.<\/p>\n

From here, a war arose against me on the part of priests \u2013 some would say that it was a pretense, some that beating was needed, others that I wanted to make myself believed a saint; some would add that I was possessed, and many other things, such that, if I wanted to tell them all, the story would be too long.\u00a0 So, with these ideas in their minds, when the sufferings would occur and my family would send for one of them, they would have such strange reactions, that my poor family suffered very much, especially my poor mama \u2013 how many tears she shed for me.\u00a0 Oh! Lord, reward her – You Yourself.\u00a0 Oh! my good Lord, how much I suffered on this side \u2013 You alone know everything.<\/p>\n

So, who can say how bitter this situation turned out to be for me \u2013 that the priest was needed in order to free me from that state of sufferings.\u00a0 How many times I prayed, shedding most bitter tears, that He would free me!\u00a0 How many times I made explicit resistance to the Lord when He wanted me to offer myself as victim and accept the pains.\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, promise me that You will free me Yourself, and then I will accept everything; otherwise \u2013 no, I don\u2019t want to accept.\u2019\u00a0 And I would resist the first day, the second, the third\u2026. \u00a0But who can resist God?\u00a0 He would tell me so many things, that in the end I was forced to submit myself to the cross.<\/p>\n

Other times, I would say to Him from the heart and with familiarity:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, how is it that You have done this?\u00a0 How can this be? Between You and me, You wanted to put a third now?\u00a0 And this third one does not want to make himself available.\u00a0 See, we could have been so content, the two of us.\u00a0 When You wanted me to suffer, I would immediately accept, because I would know that You Yourself would free me.\u00a0 There is no need of another hand now.\u00a0 I beg You – free me, and both of us will be more content.\u2019<\/p>\n

At times He pretended not to hear me, and He would not tell me anything.\u00a0 Other times, then, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear, I am the One who gives darkness and light.\u00a0 The time of the light will come.\u00a0 It is my usual way to manifest my works through the priests.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I spent three or four years of these contradictions on the part of priests.\u00a0 Many times they subjected me to very hard trials; they reached the point of letting me remain in that state of sufferings \u2013 that is, petrified, incapable of any slightest motion, even of taking a drop of water \u2013 for eighteen days, more or less, when they pleased to do so.\u00a0 The Lord alone knows what I was going through in that state; and after they came, I would not even have the good of at least being told:\u00a0 \u201cHave patience, do the Will of God.\u201d\u00a0 Rather, I was reproached as capricious and disobedient.\u00a0 Oh! God, what pain \u2013 how many tears I shed.\u00a0 How many times I thought I was disobedient, saying to myself:\u00a0 \u2018How can this be \u2013 that virtue which is the most pleasing to the Lord is so far away from me. \u00a0What good can a disobedient soul ever do or hope for?\u2019\u00a0Many times I lamented to Our Lord, and at times I reached the point of being resentful; and when He wanted me to accept sufferings, I would resist as much as I could.\u00a0 But when the Lord saw that I would begin to resist, He showed He would not pay attention to me, and He would not tell me anything else; and then, all of a sudden, He would come to surprise me.\u00a0 As for what the confessor would say, then, it is because sometimes he did not want me to fall into that state; but this was not in my power.\u00a0 It is yet true that I have been disobedient, and that I have never been good at anything, but I also remember that the most tormenting pain for me was that of not being able to obey.<\/p>\n

I remember that during this period of time there was a cholera epidemic, and one day I prayed my good Jesus to make this scourge cease.\u00a0 And He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cI will content you, as long as you accept offering yourself to suffer whatever I want.\u201d<\/p>\n

I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, no, I cannot \u2013 You know how they think.\u00a0 If this thing could pass only between me and You, I would have been most ready to accept everything.\u2019\u00a0 And He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, had I paid attention to what men were thinking, and to what they were going to do with Me, I would not have operated the Redemption of mankind.\u00a0 But I had my eyes fixed on their salvation, and the great love that devoured Me made Me act in a way that when I would see people who thought ill about Me, and who caused the occasion to make Me suffer more, I would offer those very pains that they gave Me for their own salvation.\u00a0 Have you forgotten that what I want from you is the imitation of my Life, and that I will make you share in everything I suffered?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know that the most beautiful act, the most heroic and most pleasing to Me, and which you must offer to Me, is that of offering yourself for the very ones who are against you?\u201d<\/p>\n

I remained mute; I did not know what to answer.\u00a0 I accepted everything that the Lord wanted, and so until evening I was caught by that state of sufferings, and I remained in it for three consecutive days.\u00a0 Then, after I came round, I no longer heard anything about the cholera.<\/p>\n

After this, I received another mortification, and this was having to change confessor, because since he was a religious, he was called back to the convent.\u00a0 I was content with him, and most of those dins mentioned above occurred when he was in the countryside; especially during the last year he was my confessor, because of the cholera spreading in town, he was there for six months.\u00a0 My confessor did not give many reproaches; he would let me remain in that state of sufferings for one day, and then he would come.\u00a0 So, it was less than a month since he had withdrawn to the countryside, and it became known that he was leaving.\u00a0 This was painful for me – not because I was attached, but because of the necessity I had of him.\u00a0 So I went to the Lord and I told Him of my pain; and He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not want to afflict yourself because of this; I am the Master of hearts, and I can turn them and turn them again as I please.\u00a0 If he did some good to you, he has been nothing but a vessel, which received from Me, and gave to you.\u00a0 So I will do with the others; what do you fear then?\u00a0 My dear, as long as you keep turning your eye now to the right, now to the left, and you let it set now on one thing, now on another, and you do not have your eye fixed in Me, you will not be able to walk speedily along the way of Heaven.\u00a0 On the contrary, you will always be limping and will not be able to follow the influence of grace.\u00a0 Therefore I want you to look at all the things that happen around you with holy indifference, remaining all intent on Me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

After these words, my heart acquired so much strength, that I suffered little or nothing from such a great loss, and of one who had done so much good to my soul.<\/p>\n

\u00a0So it happened that I changed confessor, and I returned to the confessor who used to confess me when I was little.\u00a0 But, may the Lord be always blessed who uses those very ways which appear to be contrary to us, almost as if they were to bring harm to our soul, for our greater good and for His glory.\u00a0 So it happened that I began to open my soul, since up to that point I had not told anything to anyone.\u00a0 As much effort as I would make over myself, I could not manage; on the contrary, I would see myself more impotent to tell of the things of my interior.\u00a0 The blushing I felt at the mere thought of telling these things was such, that I felt it would have been easier for me to tell the ugliest sins.\u00a0 Where this came from \u2013 I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 From the confessor \u2013 I don\u2019t think so, because he was so good, trustful, sweet, patient in listening.\u00a0 He would take a most exact care of the soul; he had his eye on everything, so that I might walk straight.\u00a0 From me \u2013 I don\u2019t think so either, because I felt a block over my soul, and I had all the will to free myself and to hear at least what the confessor thought about it; but I felt it was impossible for me to do it.\u00a0 To me, I think that there was an intervention of the Lord.<\/p>\n

So, finding myself with the new confessor, I began, little by little, to open my interior.\u00a0 Many times the Lord commanded me to manifest to the confessor what He had told me; and when I would not do it, the Lord would scold me, He would reproach me severely, and at times He reached the point of telling me that if I did not do it, He would not come any more \u2013 which for me is the most bitter pain, such that all other pains, compared to this, seem to me nothing other than blades of straw.\u00a0 Therefore, the fear that He would really not come was so great, that I did as much as I could in order to manifest my interior.\u00a0 It is true that many times this cost me much, but the fear of losing my dear Jesus would make me overcome everything.\u00a0 On the part of the confessor I was also pushed to tell him where such a state was coming from, what happened to me when I was in that doziness, what was the cause of it.\u00a0 He would now command me to manifest it, now he would force me through the precepts of obedience, and now he would place before me the fear that I might be living in illusion and deceit, living within myself, while if I manifested it to the priest, I could be more certain and tranquil, and that the Lord never permits that the priest be mistaken when the soul is obedient.\u00a0 So, Jesus Christ pushed me from one side, the confessor from the other; it seemed to me that sometimes they were banding together, the two of them – the confessor and Jesus Christ.\u00a0 So I managed to manifest my soul.\u00a0 The past confessor would not do that \u2013 he would not ask me a single question; he would not try to know what was happening to me in that state of doziness, and so I myself did not know how to come out to talk about these things.\u00a0 The concern he had was that I be resigned, conformed to the Will of God, bearing the cross that the Lord had given me; so much so, that if sometimes he saw me a little bothered, he would suffer great disappointment.<\/p>\n

So it happened that I spent about another year with this confessor, in the same state described above.\u00a0 And since the confessor knew where that state of suffering was coming from, he told me that when Jesus Christ wanted me to have sufferings, I should go to him to ask for the obedience.\u00a0 I remember that one morning, after Communion, the Lord told me:\u00a0 \u201cDaughter, the iniquities that are committed are so many that the scale of my Justice is about to overflow.\u00a0 Now, know that I will pour heavy scourges upon men, especially a most fierce war in which I will make a slaughter of human flesh.\u00a0 Ah! yes\u201d, He continued, almost crying, \u201cI gave bodies to men that they might be as many sanctuaries where I would go and delight in them; but they have turned them into sewers of rot, whose stench is such that they force Me to stay far away from them.\u00a0 See what recompense I receive for so much love and for the so many pains that I suffered for them.\u00a0 Who has ever been treated like Me?\u00a0 Ah! no one.\u00a0 But what is the cause?\u00a0 It is the excessive love I have for them.\u00a0 Therefore, I will try with the chastisements.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt my heart split with pain; it seemed to me that the offenses they were giving Him were so many, that in order to escape He wanted to hide within me, almost to find a refuge.\u00a0 I also felt such pains because men were to be chastised, that it seemed to me that I, not they, was to suffer.\u00a0 Even more, it seemed to me that, had I been able to, it would have been more bearable for me to suffer all those chastisements myself, rather than to see others suffer.<\/p>\n

I tried to compassionate Him as much as I could, and with all my heart I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Oh! Holy Spouse, hold back the scourges which your Justice keeps prepared.\u00a0 If the multiplicity of the iniquities of men is great, there is the immense sea of your Blood in which You can bury them; and so your Justice will be satisfied.\u00a0 If You have nowhere to go to delight Yourself, come into me \u2013 I give You all my heart, that You may somehow rest and delight with it.\u00a0 It is true that I too am a bilge of vices, but You can purify me and make of me what You want.\u00a0 But, O please! placate Yourself.\u00a0 If the sacrifice of my life is necessary \u2013 oh! how gladly I would make it for You, as long as I may see your own images spared.\u2019\u00a0 And the Lord, interrupting my speaking, continued telling me:\u00a0 \u201cHere is exactly where I wanted you \u2013 if you offer yourself to suffer, no longer every now and then as up until now, but continuously, every day, for a certain given time, I will spare men.\u00a0 See how I will do it:\u00a0 I will put you between my Justice and the iniquities of the creatures, and when my Justice sees Itself filled with iniquities to the point of not being able to contain them, and is forced to send the thunderbolts of the scourges in order to chastise the creatures, in finding you in the middle, instead of striking them, you are the one who will remain struck.\u00a0 Only in this way will I be able to content you in sparing men \u2013 not otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n

I remained all confused; I didn\u2019t know what to tell Him.\u00a0 My nature did its part, being frightened and trembling, but I saw that my good Jesus was waiting for an answer \u2013 whether I accepted or not.\u00a0 So, seeing myself almost forced to speak, I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Oh! my Most Divine Spouse, on my part I would be ready to accept, but how is it going to work out with the confessor:\u00a0 if he does not want to come every once in a while, how can it be possible that he will come every day?\u00a0 Free me from this cross \u2013 that the confessor be needed in order to free me \u2013 and then everything will be arranged between me and You.\u2019\u00a0 Then the Lord said to me:\u00a0 \u201cGo to the confessor and ask him for the obedience.\u00a0 If he wants, you will tell him everything I told you, and you will stick to whatever he says.\u00a0 See, it will not be only for the good of creatures that I want these continuous sufferings, but also for your good.\u00a0 In this state of sufferings I will purify your soul thoroughly, in such a way as to dispose you to form a mystical marriage with Me; and after this, I will make the final transformation, in such a way that the two of us will become like two candles placed on the fire \u2013 one is transformed into the other, and they become one.\u00a0 In this way I will transform Myself into you, and you will remain crucified with Me.\u00a0Ah! would you not be happy if you could say:\u00a0 \u2018The Bridegroom is crucified, but the bride also is crucified\u2019?\u00a0 \u2018Ah! yes, there is nothing that renders me dissimilar from Him.\u2019<\/p>\n

So, when I was able to speak with the confessor, I told him everything that the Lord had told me; and since the Lord had said to me those words, \u201cfor a certain given time\u201d,<\/em> without notifying me of the exact time during which I was to suffer continuously, I took it as about forty days, more or less – and now it has been about twelve years that I continue to be in it.\u00a0 But, may God be always blessed; may His inscrutable judgments be always adored.\u00a0 I believe that if the blessed Lord had let me understand with clarity the length of time I was to be in bed, my nature would have been frightened very much, and would hardly have submitted itself to it.\u00a0 Although I remember that I have always been resigned, yet, I did not know then the preciousness of the cross, as the Lord has made me know during the course of these twelve years; nor would the confessor have adapted himself to give me the obedience.\u00a0 So I said to the confessor that the Lord wanted him to give me the obedience to remain in continuous suffering for about forty days, and I told him all the rest.\u00a0 To my surprise \u2013 because I thought it was impossible \u2013 the confessor told me that if it was truly the Will of God he would give me the obedience, because, in reality, it was not that he could not come, but rather, a little bit of human respect.\u00a0 My soul rejoiced very much for I would be able to content the Lord, and therefore have the creatures spared, but my nature was very much afflicted in receiving this obedience; so much so, that for a few days I was very saddened.\u00a0 My soul also was affected very much, thinking that I was to remain for such a long time without being able to receive Jesus in the Sacrament, my sole and only comfort.\u00a0 At times I felt a war so very fierce within me, that I myself did not know what had happened to me.\u00a0 The devil too added many things to it, but my good Jesus put a remedy to everything; and this is how He did it.<\/p>\n

I move on to speak about something else.\u00a0 By order of the current confessor, I will obey in manifesting the various ways in which the Lord has spoken to me:<\/p>\n

It seems to me that the ways in which the Lord has spoken to me are four; but these four ways of speaking of Jesus are very different from the inspirations.<\/p>\n

1 \u2013 The first way is when the soul goes out of herself.\u00a0 However, first I want to explain a little bit better this going out of myself.\u00a0 It happens in two ways:\u00a0 the first is instantaneous, almost a flash; and it is so sudden, that it seemed to me that the body would lift a little bit from the bed in order to follow the soul, but then it would stay there.\u00a0 And it seemed to me that the body would remain as dead, while the soul would follow Jesus, walking throughout the whole universe – the earth, the air, the seas, the mountains, Purgatory and Heaven, where many times He showed me the place where I will be after I die.\u00a0 The other way, then, for the soul to go out, is more quiet.\u00a0 It seems that the body dozes off insensibly and remains as though petrified in the presence of Jesus Christ; however, the soul remains with the body, and the body no longer feels anything of external things \u2013 even if all the universe turned upside down; even if they burned me up and reduced me to pieces.<\/p>\n

These two ways, so different, of going out of myself, I have noticed sensibly, because in the first way, having to obey the confessor when he would come to wake me up, I would see him from the place where Jesus would lead me \u2013 that is, from the ends of the earth, or from the air, or from the mountains, or from the sea, or from Purgatory, or even from Heaven Itself.\u00a0 Even more, it seemed to me that I would not have enough time, so that the soul would be found in the body by the confessor, and therefore I would not be able to obey.\u00a0 It seemed that, so far away as I was with my soul \u2013 I say, it seemed to me \u2013 that I would bustle about, and become all anxious and worried that I might not be able to let myself be found there in time by the confessor, and therefore I would not be able to obey.\u00a0 However, I confess that I have always found myself there in time, and it seemed to me that the soul would enter into the body before the confessor would begin to give me the obedience to wake up.<\/p>\n

Even more, I tell the truth, many times from afar I could see the confessor coming, but in order not to leave Jesus, it seemed that I would not think that the confessor was coming; and then Jesus, He Himself, would hurry me to return with the soul into the body so as to be able to obey the confessor.\u00a0 And then I would feel a great reluctance of leaving Jesus, but obedience would win; and in leaving Jesus, He Himself would either kiss me or embrace me, or would do something else to take leave of me.\u00a0 And I, upon leaving my dear Jesus, would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018I go to the confessor, but You, my good Jesus – come back soon, as soon as the confessor goes.\u2019<\/p>\n

These, then, are the two ways in which the soul seemed to go out of the body, and in these two ways in which the soul goes out, God speaks to me.\u00a0 This way of speaking, He Himself calls intellectual speaking.\u00a0 I will try to explain it:\u00a0 after the soul has gone out of the body, finding herself before Jesus, she has no need of words in order to understand what the Lord wants to tell her; nor does the soul need to speak in order to make herself understood; but by means of the intellect \u2013 oh! how well we understand each other when we are together.\u00a0 From a light that comes from Jesus into my intellect, I feel everything that my Jesus wants to make me understand being impressed within me.\u00a0 This way is very high and sublime; so much so, that the nature can hardly adapt itself to explain it with words \u2013 it can barely give some idea.\u00a0 This way of Jesus of making Himself understood is extremely rapid \u2013 in one simple instant one learns many sublime things, more than by reading entire books.\u00a0 Oh! what a most ingenious teacher Jesus is \u2013 in one simple instant He teaches so many things, while to someone else it would take entire years, if he manages at all, because the terrestrial teacher does not have the power of being able to draw the will of his disciple, or to infuse things in his mind without effort and toil.\u00a0But not with Jesus:\u00a0 His sweetness, the loveliness of His gesture, the gentleness of His speaking, are so great – and then He is so beautiful, that as soon as the soul sees Him, she feels so drawn, that sometimes the speed with which she runs after Jesus is so great, that almost without realizing it, she finds herself transformed into the Beloved, in such a way that the soul is no longer capable of distinguishing her terrestrial being, so much is she identified with the Divine Being.\u00a0 Who can say what the soul feels in this state?\u00a0 It would take Jesus Himself, or a soul perfectly separated from the body, because in finding herself surrounded once again by the wall of this body, and losing that light which before kept her submerged, the soul loses much and remains obscured.\u00a0 So, if she tries to say something, she can only do it roughly.<\/p>\n

To give an idea, I will say that I imagine someone born blind, who has never had the good of seeing what is contained in the entire universe, and for a few minutes he had the good of opening his eyes to the light and was able to see everything that is contained in the world –\u00a0 the sun, the heavens, the sea, the many cities, the many machines, the varieties of flowers and the many other things that are in the world; and after those few minutes of light, he returned to the blindness of before.\u00a0 Now, could he describe, distinctly, everything that he has seen?\u00a0 He could give a sketch, say a few things confusedly.\u00a0 Now, something similar happens when the soul finds herself separated, and then back into the body – I don\u2019t know whether I am speaking nonsense.\u00a0 Just as that poor blind one would remain with the sorrow of the lost sight, the same for the soul:\u00a0 she lives moaning and almost in a violent state, because the soul feels always violently drawn toward the highest Good.\u00a0 The attraction toward Himself that Jesus leaves in the soul is so great, that the soul would like to remain always attracted within her God.\u00a0 But this cannot be, and therefore she lives as if she lived in Purgatory.\u00a0 I add that the soul has nothing of her own in this state \u2013 everything is the operating that the Lord does.<\/p>\n

Now I will try to explain the second way that Jesus has in speaking; and it is when the soul, finding herself outside of herself, sees the person of Jesus Christ, for example, as a child, or crucified, or in any other attitude; and the soul sees the Lord pronouncing the words from His mouth, and the soul answers from her mouth.\u00a0 Sometimes it happens that the soul begins to converse with Jesus, just as two intimate spouses would do.\u00a0 However, the speaking of the Lord is very moderate \u2013 just four or five words, and sometimes even just one word; very rarely does it prolong a little bit.\u00a0 But in that very little speaking \u2013 ah! how much light He introduces into the soul.\u00a0 I seem to see a little rivulet at first sight, but in looking more closely, instead of a rivulet one can see an immense sea.\u00a0 Such is one word spoken by Jesus; the immensity of the light that it leaves in the soul is such, that in ruminating it thoroughly, she discovers so many things, sublime and profitable for her soul, as to remain astonished.<\/p>\n

I believe that if all the learned would unite together, they would all remain confounded and mute at one single word of Jesus.\u00a0 Now, this way is more suitable for the human nature, and it can easily be manifested, because the soul, upon entering herself, brings with her that which she has heard from the mouth of Our Lord, and communicates it to the body.\u00a0 It is not so easy when it is through the intellect.<\/p>\n

To me, I think that Jesus has this way of speaking in order to adapt Himself to the human nature.\u00a0 It is not that He needs the word in order to make Himself understood, but in this way the soul understands more easily, and she can manifest it to the confessor.\u00a0 In sum, Jesus acts like a most knowledgeable, wise, intelligent teacher, who possesses all sciences to the highest degree, and no one can equal Him.\u00a0 But since He finds Himself amid disciples who have not yet learned the first syllables of the alphabet, keeping all the other studies within Himself, He teaches the a b c <\/em>to the disciples.<\/p>\n

Oh! how good is Jesus.\u00a0 He adapts Himself to the learned and speaks to them in a very high manner, in such a way that in order to understand Him, they have to study well what He tells them.\u00a0 And He adapts Himself to the ignorant, pretending to be, He Himself, a little bit ignorant; and He speaks in a low manner, in such a way that no one may remain on an empty stomach from the lesson of this Divine Teacher.<\/p>\n

The third way in which Jesus speaks to me is when, in speaking, He communicates its very substance to the soul.\u00a0 It seems to me that, just as when the Lord created the world, at one word things were created, in the same way, since His word is creative, in the very act in which He pronounces the word, He creates in the soul that very thing which He is saying.\u00a0 As for example, Jesus says to the soul:\u00a0 \u201cSee how beautiful things are.\u00a0 As much as your eye may run over the earth and in Heaven, you will never find a beauty similar to Me.\u201d\u00a0 At this speaking of Jesus, the soul feels a certain something divine enter into herself; the soul remains so very drawn toward this beauty, and at the same time she loses attraction for all other things.\u00a0 As beautiful and precious as they might be, they make no impression on her soul.\u00a0 What remains fixed in her, and almost transmuted into herself, is the beauty of Jesus – of that beauty she thinks, with that beauty she feels invested, and she remains so enamored, that if the Lord did not operate another miracle, her heart would crack, and out of pure love for this beauty of Jesus, the soul would breathe her last, to fly into Heaven and delight in this beauty of Jesus.\u00a0 I myself don\u2019t know whether I am speaking nonsense.<\/p>\n

In order to explain myself better about this substantial speaking of Jesus, I will say something else.\u00a0 Jesus says:\u00a0 \u201cSee how pure I am.\u00a0 In you also I want to find purity in everything.\u201d\u00a0 At these words the soul feels a divine purity enter into herself.\u00a0 This purity is transmuted into herself, and she reaches the point of living as if she no longer had a body; and so with the other virtues.\u00a0 Oh! how desirable is this speaking of Jesus.\u00a0 As for myself, I would give away everything that is on earth – if I could own it – to have one alone of these words of Jesus.<\/p>\n

The fourth way in which Jesus speaks to me is when I find myself inside myself \u2013 that is, in the natural state.\u00a0 This also happens in two ways:\u00a0 the first is when, while being inside myself, recollected in the interior of my heart, without articulation of voice or sound to the ear of the body, Jesus speaks interiorly.\u00a0 The second is just like we do it; and sometimes this happens even when I am distracted or I am speaking with other people.\u00a0 But one alone of these words is enough to recollect me if I am distracted, or to give me peace if I am disturbed, or to console me if I am afflicted.<\/p>\n

I will continue from where I left, saying, \u2018and this is how He did it\u2019:<\/p>\n

In the morning, I went to Communion, and as soon as I received Jesus, I immediately said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Lord, look a bit at what a storm I find myself in.\u00a0 I should thank You for You gave light to the confessor in giving me the obedience to suffer, but instead, my nature is so very affected that I myself remain confounded in seeing that I am so bad.\u00a0 However, all this is nothing; You who want the sacrifice will also give me the strength.\u00a0 But the strongest reason in me is that of having to remain for so long without being able to receive You in the Sacrament.\u00a0 Who would be able to endure without You?\u00a0 Who will give me the strength?\u00a0 Where shall I find a refreshment in my afflictions?\u2019\u00a0 And while saying this, I felt such pains in my heart because of this separation from Jesus in the Sacrament, that I cried my heart out.\u00a0 Then, the Lord, compassionating my weakness, told me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear, I Myself will sustain your weakness.\u00a0 You do not know what graces I have prepared for you; this is why you fear so much.\u00a0 Am I not omnipotent?\u00a0 Will I not be able to make up for the privation of being able to receive Me in the Sacrament?\u00a0 Therefore, resign yourself, place yourself as though dead in my arms; offer yourself as voluntary victim to repair for the offenses against Me, for sinners, and to spare men the deserved scourges, and as pledge I give you my word that I will not leave you even one day without coming to see you.\u00a0 Up until now you have come to Me, from now on I will come to you \u2013 aren\u2019t you happy?\u201d<\/p>\n

So I resigned myself to the Holy Will of God, and I was surprised by this state of sufferings.\u00a0 Now, who can say the graces that the Lord began to give me?\u00a0 It is impossible to say everything distinctly; I can say something confusedly.\u00a0 But as much as I can, and in order to do the holy obedience which wants it so, I will try to say as much as it is possible for me.<\/p>\n

I remember that from the very beginning of my being in bed continuously, my Lover Jesus would make Himself seen very often, which He had not done in the past.\u00a0 From the very beginning He told me that He wanted me to take on a new method of life in order to dispose myself to that mystical marriage which He had promised me.\u00a0 He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cBeloved of my Heart, I have put you in this state so that I might come more freely to converse with you.\u00a0 See, I have freed you of all external occupations, so that, not only your soul, but also your body might be at my disposal, and so that you might remain in continuous holocaust before Me.\u00a0 See, had I not drawn you into this bed, since you would have to carry out your family duties and submit yourself to other sacrifices, I could not come so often and let you share in the offenses, as I receive them; at most, I would have to wait for when you have fulfilled your duties.\u00a0 But now \u2013 no, we are free, there is no one left who may bother us and interrupt our conversation.\u00a0 From now on, my afflictions will be yours, and yours mine; my sufferings yours, and yours mine; my consolations yours, and yours mine.\u00a0 We will unite all things together, and you will take interest in my things as if they were your own; and so I will do with yours.\u00a0 Between the two of us there will no longer be \u2018this is mine, and this is yours\u2019, but everything will be in common, on both sides.<\/p>\n

Do you know how I acted with you?\u00a0 Like a king when he wants to speak with his queen and spouse, and she is with other ladies on other affairs.\u00a0 What does the king do?\u00a0 He takes her and brings her inside his room; they close the door, so that no one may go and interrupt their conversation and hear their secrets; and so, once they are alone, they communicate their consolations and their afflictions to each other.\u00a0 Now, if someone, imprudent, went to knock, shouting from behind the door, and did not leave them alone to enjoy their conversation \u2013 would the king not take offense?\u00a0 So have I done for you, and in the same way I would be displeased if anyone wanted to take you away from this state.\u201d<\/p>\n

He continued, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cFrom you I want perfect conformity to my Will, in such a way that your will may be undone within Mine; and absolute detachment from everything – so much so, that I want all that is earth to be considered by you as dung and rot, which one is horrified by just looking at.\u00a0 And this, because even if one had no attachment to earthly things, just by having them around and looking at them, they cast a shadow over the celestial things and prevent the fulfillment of that mystical marriage which I promised you.\u00a0 Even more, I want that, just as I was poor, you also imitate Me in poverty.\u00a0 You must consider yourself in this bed as a little poor one; the poor are content with whatever they have, and they first thank Me, and then their benefactors.\u00a0 The same for you:\u00a0 go along with whatever is given to you without asking for this or that, which might be a hindrance in your mind; but with holy indifference – without thinking of whether it might do good or bad – comply with the will of others.\u201d<\/p>\n

This cost me very much at the beginning, especially because of the obediences that the confessor would give me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why, he wanted me to take quinine, and I was given the obedience that as many times as I would throw up, so many times was I to take food again.\u00a0 Now, quinine would whet my appetite, and sometimes I would feel quite a bit of hunger.\u00a0 I would take food, and immediately after taking it, and at times in the very act of taking it, I would be forced to bring it up because of the continuous retching; and so I would remain with the same hunger as before.\u00a0 The word \u201cpoor\u201d which Jesus had spoken to me would not allow me to dare to ask for anything; and I myself would feel ashamed to ask, thinking to myself:\u00a0 \u2018What will the family say:\u00a0 she has just vomited, and now she wants to eat?\u2019\u00a0 So I would remain content with being able to offer something to my dear Jesus.<\/p>\n

However, this did not last for a long time, but about four months.\u00a0 One day the Lord told me:\u00a0 \u201cRepeat to him the request for the obedience not to take quinine and not to take food so many times, for I will give him light.\u201d\u00a0 So the confessor came and I told him.\u00a0 And he said to me:\u00a0 \u201cSo as not to show uniqueness, from now on I want you to take food only once a day\u201d; and he also suspended the quinine.\u00a0 So I remained more quiet and the hunger went away; but the vomiting did not cease \u2013 that one time in which I would take food, I was forced to bring it up.\u00a0 Sometimes the Lord told me to ask for the obedience not to eat, but the confessor never gave me this obedience.\u00a0 He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter if you throw up \u2013 it is another mortification.\u201d<\/p>\n

But I would tell this to Jesus, and He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI want you to ask the question, but with holy indifference I want you to go along with whatever the obedience tells you.\u201d\u00a0 And so I continued to do.<\/p>\n

When about forty days had passed \u2013 which I had taken as such from those words that the Lord had spoken (“for a certain given time\u201d), and which I had related to the confessor in this way \u2013 the sufferings continued to surprise me every day, and he was forced to come every day.\u00a0 The confessor began to give me the obedience no longer to be in that state, and he added that if I fell into sufferings, he would not come any more.<\/p>\n

On my part, I felt most ready to do the obedience.\u00a0 My nature especially wanted to be freed of being in bed continuously, which, as beautiful as it was, was always bed.\u00a0 Having to subject myself to everyone, even in the most repugnant and necessary things of nature, and being forced to tell them to others, is a true sacrifice.\u00a0 So, my nature did its office, and felt all consoled in receiving this obedience; while my soul was ready to do the obedience, and ready to remain in bed if the Lord wanted it so, because I had begun to experience how good He had been with me, and that true resignation can change the nature of things, turning bitter into sweet.<\/p>\n

When he gave me the obedience no longer to stay in bed, I began to resist, and I said to the Lord:\u00a0 \u201cWhat can I do?\u00a0 I can no longer stay, for obedience does not want it.\u00a0 If You want, give light to the confessor, and then I will be ready to do what You want.\u2019\u00a0 And I spent one entire night clashing with the Lord.\u00a0 When He would come, I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My dear Jesus, have patience, do not come, for obedience does not permit that You make me share in the sufferings.\u2019\u00a0 Up until the morning, I won \u2013 I felt I was inside myself and free of sufferings when, in one instant, the Lord came and drew me so much to Himself that I could not resist Him.\u00a0 I lost consciousness and I found myself together with Him, but so clasped to Him, that as much opposition as I made, I could not detach myself from Jesus.\u00a0 Being with Jesus, I felt all annihilated, and I felt a certain blushing for the many reproaches I had given Him during the night.\u00a0 I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Holy Spouse, forgive me \u2013 it is the confessor that wants it so.\u2019\u00a0 And He told me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear, when it is because of obedience I do not get offended.\u201d\u00a0 He continued:\u00a0 \u201cCome, come to Me.\u00a0 Today is the New Year, I want to give you a present.\u201d\u00a0 (That morning was precisely the first day of the year).\u00a0 So, He drew His most pure lips to mine and poured a most sweet milk; He kissed me, He took a ring from within His side and said to me:\u00a0 \u201cToday I want to show you the ring I have prepared for you, for when I espouse you.\u201d\u00a0 Then He told me:\u00a0 \u201cTell the confessor that it is my Will that you continue to stay in bed, and as a sign that it is I, tell him that there is a war between Italy and Africa, and if he gives you the obedience to continue to suffer, I will not let them do anything, on either side \u2013 they will reconcile.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the very act of His speaking these words, I felt surrounded by sufferings as if by a garment, and I was unable to free myself by myself.\u00a0 I thought to myself:\u00a0 \u2018What will the confessor say?\u2019\u00a0 But it was no longer in my power.\u00a0 That milk which Jesus had poured into me produced in me such love for Him, that I felt myself languishing; and I felt such satiety and sweetness, that after the confessor came and I came round from that state, and the family brought me food, I felt so full that the food would not go down.\u00a0 But in order to do the obedience, which wanted it so, I took a little bit, and immediately I was forced to bring it up – but mixed with that sweet milk that Jesus had given me.\u00a0 And Jesus, almost joking, told me:\u00a0 \u201cWhat I gave you was not enough?\u00a0 You are not content yet?\u201d\u00a0 I blushed all over, but immediately I said to Him:\u00a0 \u201cWhat can I do? \u00a0It\u2019s the obedience.\u2019<\/p>\n

When the confessor came, he started to get upset, telling me that I was disobedient; or he would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cThis is an illness.\u00a0 If it were something from God, He would have made you obey.\u00a0 Therefore, instead of calling the confessor, you should call the doctors.\u201d\u00a0 When he finished speaking, I told him everything that the Lord had said to me, as I said above, and he told me that it was true that there was a war between Africa and Italy.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll see if nothing happens\u201d.\u00a0 And so he was persuaded to letting me continue to suffer.<\/p>\n

One day, after about four months, the confessor came and told me that news had arrived about the war between Africa and Italy, and that without doing any harm to each other, on both sides, they had reconciled.\u00a0 So the confessor remained more persuaded, and he let me stay there in peace.<\/p>\n

Then, my sweet Jesus would do nothing but dispose me to that mystical marriage which He had promised me.\u00a0 When I was in that state, He would make Himself seen sometimes three times a day, sometimes four, as He pleased; and sometimes it was a continuous coming and going.\u00a0 He seemed to be a sweetheart who cannot be without his spouse.\u00a0 This is how Jesus was with me, and sometimes He reached the point of telling me:\u00a0 \u201cYou see, I love you so much that I cannot be without coming.\u00a0 I feel almost restless, thinking that you are there suffering for Me, and you are alone; therefore I have come to see if you need something.\u201d\u00a0 And while saying this, He Himself would lift my head, He would place His arm behind my neck and would embrace me; and while holding me like that, He would kiss me, and if it was summertime and it was hot, He would send a refreshing breath from His mouth, or He would take something in His hand and fan me.\u00a0 And then He would ask me: \u00a0\u201cHow are you feeling?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you feel better?\u201d\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Being with You, in whatever way, one is always fine.\u2019<\/p>\n

Other times, then, if He saw me very weak because of the continuous being in those sufferings, especially if the confessor was coming at night, my lover Jesus would come, and in seeing me in that state of extreme weakness – to the point that at times I felt myself dying – He would draw near me and from His mouth He would pour milk into mine, or He would place me close to His side, and from there I would suckle torrents of sweetnesses, of delights and of strength.\u00a0 And He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI really want to be your everything, and also your nourishment – of the soul and of the body.\u201d\u00a0 Who can say what I experienced, both in the soul and in the body, from these graces that Jesus would give me?\u00a0 If I wanted to tell them, I would be too long.\u00a0 I remember that, sometimes, when He would not come quickly, I would lament to Him, telling Him:\u00a0 \u2018O please! oh! Holy Spouse, how could You make me wait so long \u2013 I could not endure any more, I felt myself dying without You.\u2019\u00a0 And while saying this, the pain I felt was so great that I would cry.\u00a0 And He would compassionate all of me; He would dry my tears, He would kiss me, He would hug me, and say:\u00a0 \u201cI do not want you to cry.\u00a0 See, now I am with you \u2013 tell me what you want.\u201d\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018I want nothing but You, and only then will I stop crying, when You promise me You will not make me wait for so long.\u2019\u00a0 And He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cYes, yes, I will make you content.\u201d<\/p>\n

One day, while we were in this contrast, and the pain was so great that I could not stop crying, my good Jesus told me:\u00a0 \u201cI want to content you in everything.\u00a0 I feel so drawn toward you that I cannot do without doing what you want. \u00a0If up until now I have removed from you the external life and I have manifested Myself to you, now I want to draw your soul to Me, so that, wherever I go, you may come as well.\u00a0 In this way, you will be able to enjoy Me more, and bind yourself to Me more intimately than you have done in the past.\u201d<\/p>\n

One morning \u2013 I don\u2019t remember too well, but I think that about three months had passed of my continuously staying in bed \u2013 while I was in my usual state, my sweet Jesus came, with a look all lovable, as a young man of the age of about eighteen.\u00a0 Oh! how beautiful He was.\u00a0 With His golden hair, all curly, He seemed to enchain my thoughts, my affections, my heart.\u00a0 From His forehead, serene and spacious, one could admire the interior of His mind, as from within a crystal, and one could discover His infinite wisdom, His imperturbable peace.\u00a0 Oh! how I felt my mind, my heart, becoming serene; even more, before Jesus, my very passions are knocked down and do not dare to give me the slightest bother.\u00a0 I believe, I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m wrong, that one cannot see this Jesus, so beautiful, if one is not in the most profound calm; so much so, that the slightest breath of disturbance prevents one from receiving a sight so beautiful.\u00a0 Ah! yes, at just seeing the serenity of His adorable forehead, the infusion of peace that one receives in the interior is so great, that I believe that there is no disaster, or war most fierce, which does not appease itself before Jesus.\u00a0 Oh! my all and beautiful Jesus, if for the few moments You manifest Yourself in this life You communicate so much peace, in such a way that one can suffer the most painful martyrdoms, the most humiliating pains with the most perfect tranquillity – it seems to me a mixture of peace and of sorrow – what will it be like in Paradise?\u00a0 Oh! how beautiful are His most pure eyes, sparkling with light.\u00a0 It is not like the light of the sun, that if one wants to look at it, it hurts our sight \u2013 no; in Jesus, while it is light, one can very well fix one\u2019s gaze on it, and by just looking at the interior of His pupil, of a dark sky-blue \u2013 oh! how many things they would tell me.\u00a0 The beauty of His eyes is such, that one alone of His gazes is enough to make me go outside of myself, and make me run after Him, by ways and by mountains, through the earth and through the heavens.\u00a0 One single glance is enough to transform me into Himself, and make me feel a certain something divine descend into me.<\/p>\n

Who can tell, then, the beauty of His adorable Face?\u00a0 His white complexion looks like snow tinted with a color of roses, the most beautiful ones.\u00a0 In His rosy cheeks one discovers the greatness of His person, with a most majestic look, fully divine, which strikes fear and reverence, and at the same time it communicates such intimacy that, as for myself, I have never found anyone who would give me the least shadow of intimacy that my dear Jesus gives \u2013 neither my parents, nor the confessors, nor my sisters.\u00a0 Ah! yes, that Holy Face, while It is so majestic, It is also so lovable, and that loveliness attracts one so much, that the soul does not have the slightest doubt of being welcomed by Jesus, as ugly and sinful as she may see herself.\u00a0 Beautiful also is His nose, which descends to a very fine point, proportioned to His most sacred Face.\u00a0 Gracious is His mouth – small, but extremely beautiful, and His finest lips of a scarlet color; while He speaks, He contains such graciousness that it is impossible to describe it.\u00a0 Sweet is the voice of my Jesus, it is gentle, it is harmonious; while He speaks, such a fragrance comes out of His mouth, that it seems that nothing like it can be found on earth.\u00a0 It is so penetrating as to penetrate everywhere; one feels it descend from the hearing to the heart, and \u2013 oh! how many effects it produces.\u00a0 But who can say everything?\u00a0 Then, it is so pleasant, that I believe that no other pleasures can be found, as many as are those that one can find in one single word of Jesus.\u00a0 The voice of my Jesus is immensely powerful, it is operative, and in the very act in which He speaks, He already operates that which He says.\u00a0 Ah! yes, beautiful is His mouth, but it displays its beautiful grace more in the act of His speaking, while one can see those teeth so clear and so well arranged, and His breath of love comes out, igniting, darting through, consuming the heart.\u00a0 Beautiful are His hands, soft, white, most delicate, with those fingers so artfully crafted \u2013 and He moves them with such mastery, that it is an enchantment.<\/p>\n

Oh! how beautiful You are – all beautiful, O my sweet Jesus!\u00a0 What I have said of your beauty is nothing; rather, it seems to me that I have said a lot of nonsense \u2013 but what can I do?\u00a0 Forgive me, it is obedience that wants it so.\u00a0 By myself, I would not have dared to say one word, knowing my insufficiency.<\/p>\n

Now, while I was seeing Jesus in the appearance already described, He sent me a breath from His mouth, which invested all of my soul; and it seemed that, with that breath, Jesus was drawing me after Himself, and I began to feel my soul going out of my body.\u00a0 I really felt it go out from all parts \u2013 from my head, from my hands, and even from my feet.\u00a0 Since it was the first time that this was happening to me, within myself I began to say:\u00a0 \u2018Now I die, the Lord has come to take me.\u2019\u00a0 When I saw myself out of the body, the soul had the same sensation of the body \u2013 with this difference:\u00a0 that the body contains flesh, nerves and bones, while the soul does not – it is a body of light.\u00a0 So I felt a fear within me, but Jesus continued to send me that breath, and told me:\u00a0 \u201cIf being deprived of Me gives you so much pain, now come together with Me, for I want to console you.\u201d\u00a0 And so Jesus began His flight, and I began mine, after Him; and we went around through the whole vault of the heavens.\u00a0 Oh! how beautiful it was to stroll together with Jesus \u2013 now I would lean my head upon His shoulder, with one arm around His shoulders and the other hand in His hand; now Jesus would lean on me, when we reached certain places that were inundated more with iniquity.\u00a0 Oh! how my good Jesus suffered.\u00a0 I could see with more clarity the sufferings of His adorable Heart; I could see Him coming, almost faint, and I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Lean on me, and let me share in your pains, for my soul cannot bear seeing You suffer alone.\u2019\u00a0 And Jesus would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy beloved, help Me, for I can take no more.\u201d\u00a0 And while saying this, He would draw His lips close to mine, and He would pour such bitterness that I would feel mortal pains when feeling that liqueur, so very bitter, enter into me.\u00a0 I would feel as if many knives, pricks, arrows were piercing me through.\u00a0 In sum, an atrocious torment would form in all of my members, and as the soul would go back into the body, it would make the body participate in these sufferings.\u00a0 Who can tell the pains?\u00a0 Jesus Himself, who was the witness of it, because others could not mitigate my pains, since I would be in that state of loss of consciousness, and they would wait for the time when the confessor would be present, because, then, they would mitigate also at the call of obedience.\u00a0 So, Jesus alone could help me when He would see that my nature could not take any more and reached truly the extremes \u2013 such that there was nothing left for me but to breathe my last.\u00a0 Oh! how many times death made fun of me; but the day will come when I will make fun of her.<\/p>\n

So, Jesus would come, He would take me in His arms, He would draw me close to His Heart, and \u2013 oh! how I felt life come back to me.\u00a0 Then, He would pour a most sweet liqueur from His lips, and in this way the pains would mitigate.\u00a0 Other times, while He would take me around together with Him, if there were sins of blasphemy, against charity, and others, He would pour those poisonous bitters; if then there were sins of dishonesty, He would pour something of a stinking rottenness, and when I would return into myself, I could feel that stink so well, and the stench was such that it would revolt my stomach and I would feel faint.\u00a0 And sometimes, when taking food and, afterwards, when I would bring it up, I could feel that rot come out of my mouth, mixed with the food.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, then, He would bring me into churches, and even there my good Jesus was offended.\u00a0 Oh! how awfully those works reached His Heart \u2013 holy works, yes, but done roughly; those prayers empty of interior spirit; that piety, false, apparent \u2013 it only seemed to give more insult than honor to Jesus.\u00a0 Ah! yes, that holy, pure, upright Heart could not receive those works, done so badly.\u00a0 Oh! how many times He lamented, saying:\u00a0 \u201cDaughter, even from those people who are said to be devout, see how many offenses they give me – even in the holiest places.\u00a0 In receiving the very Sacraments, instead of coming out purified, they come out dirtier.\u201d\u00a0 Ah! yes, how much pain it was for Jesus to see people receiving Communion sacrilegiously; priests celebrating the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in mortal sin, out of habit; and some \u2013 a horror to say it \u2013 even out of interest.\u00a0 Oh! how many times my Jesus made me see these scenes so painful.\u00a0 How many times, while the priest was celebrating the Sacrosanct Mystery, Jesus is forced to go into his hands, because He is called by the priestly authority.\u00a0 One could see those hands dripping with rot, blood, or smeared with mud.\u00a0 Oh! how pitiful then, was the state of Jesus, so holy, so pure, in those hands which struck horror at the mere sight.\u00a0 It seemed He wanted to escape from between those hands, but He was forced to stay until the species of bread and wine would be consumed.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, while remaining there with the priest, He would come hurriedly toward me, all lamenting, and before I could say it, He Himself would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cDaughter, let me pour it into you, for I can take no more.\u00a0 Have pity on my state, which is too painful \u2013 have patience, let us suffer together.\u201d \u00a0And while saying this, He would pour from His mouth into mine.\u00a0 But who can say what He poured?\u00a0 It seemed to be a bitter poison, a fetid rot, mixed with a food so hard, disgusting and nauseating, that sometimes it would not go down.\u00a0 Who can tell, then, the sufferings that this pouring of Jesus produced?\u00a0 If He Himself had not sustained me, I certainly would have died; yet, He would pour in me but the least part \u2013 what must it be for Jesus, who contained tons upon tons of it?\u00a0 Oh! how awful sin is!\u00a0 Ah! Lord, let everyone know it, so that all may flee from this monster so horrible.\u00a0 But while I would see these scenes so sorrowful, other times, He would also make me see scenes so consoling and beautiful as to be enrapturing; and this was to see good and holy priests celebrating the Sacrosanct Mysteries.\u00a0 Oh God! how high, great, sublime is their ministry.\u00a0 How beautiful it was to see the priest celebrating Mass, and Jesus transformed into him.\u00a0 It seemed that it was not the priest, but Jesus Himself that celebrated the Divine Sacrifice, and sometimes He would make the priest disappear completely, and Jesus alone would celebrate the Mass – and I would listen to Him.\u00a0 Oh! how touching it was to see Jesus recite those prayers, do all those ceremonies and movements that the priest does.\u00a0 Who can say how consoling it was for me to see these Masses together with Jesus?\u00a0 How many graces I received, how much light, how many things I comprehended!\u00a0 But since these are past things, I don\u2019t remember them too clearly, so I keep silent.<\/p>\n

But as I am saying this, Jesus has moved in my interior and has called me \u2013 He doesn\u2019t want me to do so.\u00a0 Ah! Lord, how much patience it takes with You.\u00a0 Well then, I will content You.\u00a0 Oh! sweet Love, I will say a few little things, but give me your grace to be able to manifest them, because, by myself, I would not dare to utter one word about mysteries so profound and sublime.<\/p>\n

Now, while seeing Jesus or the priest celebrating the Divine Sacrifice, Jesus would make me understand that in the Mass there is the whole depth of our sacrosanct religion.\u00a0 Ah! yes, the Mass tells us everything and speaks to us about everything.\u00a0 The Mass reminds us of our redemption; It speaks to us, step by step, of the pains that Jesus suffered for us; It also manifests to us His immense love, for He was not content with dying on the Cross, but He wanted to continue His state of victim in the Most Holy Eucharist.\u00a0 The Mass also tells us that our bodies, decayed, reduced to ashes by death, will rise again on the day of the judgment, together with Christ, to immortal and glorious life.\u00a0 Jesus made me comprehend that the most consoling thing for a Christian, and the highest and most sublime mysteries of our holy religion are:\u00a0 Jesus in the Sacrament and the resurrection of our bodies to glory.\u00a0 These are profound mysteries, which we will comprehend only beyond the stars; but Jesus in the Sacrament makes us almost touch them with our own hands, in different ways.\u00a0 First, His Resurrection; second, His state of annihilation under those species, though it is certain that Jesus is there present, alive and real.\u00a0 Then, once those species are consumed, His real presence no longer exists.\u00a0 And as the species are consecrated again, He comes again to assume His sacramental state.\u00a0 So, Jesus in the Sacrament reminds us of the resurrection of our bodies to glory:\u00a0 just as Jesus, when His sacramental state ceases, resides in the womb of God, His Father, the same for us \u2013 when our lives cease, our souls go to make their dwelling in Heaven, in the womb of God, while our bodies are consumed.\u00a0 So, it can be said that they will no longer exist; but then, with a prodigy of the omnipotence of God, our bodies will acquire new life, and uniting with the soul, will go together to enjoy the eternal beatitude.\u00a0 Can there be anything more consoling for a human heart than the fact that not only the soul, but also the body will delight in the eternal contentments?\u00a0 It seems to me that, on that day, it will happen as when the sky is starry and the sun comes out.\u00a0 What happens?\u00a0 The sun, with its immense light, absorbs the stars and makes them disappear; yet the stars exist.\u00a0 The sun is God, and all the blessed souls are stars; God, with His immense light, will absorb us all into Himself, in such a way that we will exist in God, and will swim in the immense sea of God.\u00a0 Oh! how many things Jesus in the Sacrament tells us; but who can say them all?\u00a0 Truly, I would be too long.\u00a0 If the Lord allows it, I will reserve saying something else on other occasions.<\/p>\n

Now, in these exits that the Lord would make me do, sometimes He renewed to me the promise of the marriage, already mentioned.\u00a0 Who can say the ardent yearnings that the Lord infused in me for this mystical marriage to take place?\u00a0 Many times I would solicit Him, saying to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Most sweet Spouse, hurry, no longer delay my intimate union with You.\u00a0 O please! let us bind each other with stronger bonds of love, in such a way that no one may ever again be able to separate us, even for simple instants.\u2019\u00a0 And Jesus would correct me now about one thing, now about another.\u00a0 I remember that one day He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cEverything that is of the earth, everything \u2013 everything you must remove, not only from your heart, but also from your body.\u00a0 You cannot understand how harmful, and how great a hindrance to my love, are the slightest earthly shadows.\u201d\u00a0 Immediately I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018If I have something else that must be removed, tell me, for I am ready to do it.\u2019\u00a0 But as I was saying this, I myself realized that I had a gold ring on my finger, portraying the image of the Crucifix.\u00a0 Immediately I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Holy Spouse, do you want me to take it off?\u2019\u00a0 And He told me:\u00a0 \u201cSince I Myself am going to give you a more precious, more beautiful ring, on which my image, vividly, will be impressed, and every time you will look at it, your heart will receive new arrows of love \u2013 so, this one is not necessary.\u201d\u00a0 And I promptly took it off.<\/p>\n

The longed-for day finally arrived, after not a little suffering.\u00a0 I remember that it was almost one year that I had been continuously in bed – it was the day[2]<\/a> of the purity of Mary Most Holy.\u00a0 On the night before that day, my lover Jesus made Himself seen all festive.\u00a0 He drew near me, took my heart in His hands, and He looked at it over and over again; He dusted it, and then He gave it back to me again.\u00a0 Then He took a garment of immense beauty \u2013 it seemed to me that its background was a layer of gold streaked with various colors – and He clothed me with that garment.\u00a0 Then He took two gems, as if they were earrings, and He bejeweled my ears.\u00a0 Then He adorned my neck and my arms, and surrounded my forehead with a crown of immense value, all enriched with precious stones and gems, all refulgent with light; and it seemed to me that those lights were as many voices that resounded among themselves, speaking in clear notes of the beauty, power, fortitude, and of all the other virtues of my Spouse Jesus.\u00a0 Who can say what I comprehended, and in what sea of consolation my soul was swimming?\u00a0 It is impossible to say it.<\/p>\n

Now, while Jesus was crowning my forehead, He told me:\u00a0 \u201cMost sweet spouse, I place this crown upon you so that nothing may be missing in order to make you worthy of being my spouse; but then, after our wedding is done, I will take it with Me to Heaven, to keep it for you at the moment of your death.\u201d\u00a0 Finally, He took a veil and covered me completely with it, from head to foot; and He left me in that way.\u00a0 Ah! it seemed to me that in that veil there was a great meaning, because the demons, in seeing me all covered with that veil, were so frightened and had such fear of me, that they fled, terrified.\u00a0 The very Angels were around me with such veneration, that I myself was confounded and all full of blushing.<\/p>\n

On the morning of the aforementioned day, Jesus made Himself seen again all affable, sweet and majestic, together with His Most Holy Mother and Saint Catherine.\u00a0 First, a hymn was sung by the Angels, while Saint Catherine assisted me, Mama took my hand, and Jesus put the ring on my finger.\u00a0 Then, we embraced and He kissed me, and so did Mama also.\u00a0 Then we had a conversation, all of love \u2013 Jesus told me of the great love He had for me, and I also told Him of the love I had for Him.\u00a0 The Most Holy Virgin made me comprehend the great grace I had received, and the correspondence with which I was to correspond to the love of Jesus.<\/p>\n

My Spouse Jesus gave me new rules in order to live more perfectly, but since it has been a long time, I don\u2019t remember them so well; therefore I will skip them.\u00a0 And so it ended, for that day.<\/p>\n

Who can say the finesses of love that Jesus made to my soul?\u00a0 They were such and so many that it is impossible to describe them, but I will try to say the little I remember.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, carrying me with Him, He would take me to Paradise, and there I could listen to the canticles of the Blessed, and I could see the Divinity, the different choirs of Angels, the orders of the Saints, all immersed in the Divinity of God \u2013 absorbed, identified with It.\u00a0 It seemed to me that there were many lights around the throne, as if they were more brilliant than the sun; and these lights displayed in clear notes all the virtues and the attributes of God.\u00a0 The Blessed, by reflecting themselves in one of these lights, remained enraptured, in such a way that they could not arrive at penetrating the whole immensity of that light, therefore they would move to a second light, without understanding all the depth of the first one.\u00a0 So, the Blessed in Heaven cannot comprehend God perfectly, because the immensity, the greatness, the sanctity of God is such, that a created mind cannot comprehend an uncreated Being.\u00a0 Now, it seemed to me that by reflecting themselves in these lights, the Blessed would come to participate in the virtues of these lights.\u00a0 So, in Heaven, the soul resembles God – with this difference:\u00a0 God is that immense Sun, while the soul is a little sun.\u00a0 But who can say all that can be understood in that blessed dwelling?\u00a0 While the soul is in this prison of the body, it is impossible; while one can feel something in the mind, the lips do not find the terms to be able to express it.\u00a0 It seems to me that it is like a child who begins to babble; he would like to say so many things, but in the end he remains without being able to say even one clear word. \u00a0Therefore, I stop here, without going any further.\u00a0 I will only say that, sometimes, while finding myself in that blessed Fatherland, I would be strolling together with Jesus in the midst of the choirs of Angels and the Saints; and since I was newly-espoused, all the Blessed would unite together to participate in the joys of our marriage.\u00a0 It seemed to me that they would forget their own contentments to occupy themselves with our own; and sometimes Jesus would show me to the Saints, saying to them:\u00a0 \u201cSee this soul \u2013 she is a triumph of my love; my love has surpassed everything in her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Other times, then, He would have me put myself at the place that was destined for me, and He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cHere is your place \u2013 no one can take it away from you.\u201d\u00a0 And at times I would reach the point of believing that I would no longer have to come back to earth; but in one simple instant I would find myself locked up in the wall of this body.<\/p>\n

Who can say how so very bitter this returning would be for me?\u00a0 It seemed to me that, in going from the things of Heaven to the things of this earth, everything was rotten, insipid, bothering.\u00a0 The things that so much delighted others, were bitter for me.\u00a0 The people most dear, most distinguished, such that others would do – who knows what, in order to be with them, were indifferent to me, and also bothering; only by looking at them as images of God did I seem to be able to bear them.\u00a0 But my soul had lost any satisfaction; nothing would bring to it the slightest shadow of contentment, and the pain I felt was such, that I would do nothing but cry and lament to my beloved Jesus.\u00a0 Ah! my heart lived restless, amid continuous yearnings and desires; I felt it more in Heaven than on earth.\u00a0 I felt in my interior something that consumed me continuously, so bitter and painful it was for me having to continue to live.\u00a0 But the obedience almost put a brake on these pains of mine, commanding me in an absolute way not to desire to die, and that only then was I to die, when the confessor would give me the obedience.\u00a0 So, in order to do the holy obedience, I would do as much as I could so as not to think about it, since in my interior there was a continuous ejaculation of desires of wanting to go.\u00a0 So, for the most part, my heart calmed down, but not completely.\u00a0 I confess the truth, I was very deficient in this \u2013 but what could I do?\u00a0 I could not restrain myself \u2013 for me it was a true martyrdom.\u00a0 My benign Jesus would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cCalm yourself, what is it that makes you desire Heaven so much?\u201d\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018It is that I want to be always united with You.\u00a0 My soul can no longer bear being separated from You \u2013 not just for one day, but even for a moment.\u00a0 Therefore I want to come at any cost.\u2019\u00a0 \u201cWell then\u201d, He would say to me, \u201cIf it is because of Me, I want to make you content \u2013 I will come and stay with you.\u201d\u00a0 Then I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018But then You leave me, and I lose sight of You, while in Heaven it is not so \u2013 there, I can never lose sight of You.\u2019<\/p>\n

Sometimes, Jesus also wanted to joke, and this is how:\u00a0 while I would be amid these yearnings, He would come, all in a hurry, and would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cDo you want to come?\u201d\u00a0 And I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Where?\u2019\u00a0 And He:\u00a0 \u201cTo Heaven.\u201d\u00a0 And I:\u00a0 \u2018You really mean that?\u2019\u00a0 And He:\u00a0 \u201cBut, hurry, come, do not delay.\u201d\u00a0 And I:\u00a0 \u2018Well then, let\u2019s go \u2013 but I fear You want to make fun of me.\u2019\u00a0 And Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, I really want to take you with Me.\u201d\u00a0 And while He would say this, I would feel my soul go out of the body, and together with Jesus, I would set off for Heaven.\u00a0 Oh! how happy I would be then, thinking that I had to leave the earth \u2013 life seemed to be a sleep to me, and suffering seemed so very little.\u00a0 As we would reach a high point of Heaven, I would hear the singing that the Blessed were doing.\u00a0 I would solicit Jesus to introduce me quickly into that blessed dwelling, but Jesus would begin to slow down.\u00a0 In my interior I would start to suspect that it wasn\u2019t true \u2013 \u2018who knows\u2019, I would say, \u2018if this is not a joke that He has played on me?\u2019\u00a0 Every now and then, I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Jesus, darling, hurry up.\u2019\u00a0 And He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cWait a little longer \u2013 let us go down to the earth again.\u00a0 See, out there there is a sinner who is about to be lost.\u00a0 Let us go – who knows, he might convert.\u00a0 Let us pray together to the Eternal Father, that He may use mercy on him.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you want him to be saved?\u00a0 Are you not ready to suffer any pain for the salvation of one soul alone?\u201d\u00a0 And I:\u00a0 \u2018Yes, anything You want me to suffer, I am ready, as long as You save him.\u2019\u00a0 So we would go to that sinner; we would try to convince him, we would place before his mind the most powerful reasons to make him surrender – but in vain.\u00a0 Then, all afflicted, Jesus would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy spouse, go back into your body once again, take upon yourself the pains destined to him; in this way, appeased, Divine Justice will be able to use mercy on him.\u00a0 You have seen it – words have not stirred him, and not even reasons; there is nothing left but pains, which are the most powerful means in order to satisfy Justice and to make the sinner surrender.\u201d\u00a0 So He would bring me once again to my body.\u00a0 Who can say the sufferings that would come to me?\u00a0 Only the Lord knows, who has been the witness of it.\u00a0 After a few days, then, He would make me see that soul, converted and saved.\u00a0 Oh, how happy was Jesus – and I as well.<\/p>\n

Who can say how many times Jesus played these jokes?\u00a0 When we would reach the point of entering, and sometimes even after having entered[3]<\/a>, He would now say that He had not let me have the obedience from the confessor, and therefore I should go back to the earth.\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018As long as I was with the confessor, I was obliged to obey him, but now that I am with You, I am supposed to obey You, because You are the first of all.\u2019 \u00a0And Jesus would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cNo, no – I want you to obey the confessor.\u201d\u00a0 So, not to make it too long, now with one pretext, now with another, He would make me go back to the earth.<\/p>\n

Those jokes were very painful for me.\u00a0 It is enough to say that I rendered myself impertinent, so much so, that in order to chastise my impertinences, the Lord no longer allowed these jokes so often.<\/p>\n

I had spent about three years in this state already described, continuing to remain in bed, when one morning Jesus made me understand that He wanted to renew the marriage \u2013 not on earth, as the first time, but in Heaven, in the presence of the whole Celestial Court, and that I should stay prepared for a grace so great.\u00a0 I did as much as I could in order to dispose myself, but since I am so miserable and insufficient to do any shadow of good, the hand of the Divine Maker was needed in order to dispose me, because, by myself, I would never manage to purify my soul.<\/p>\n

One morning \u2013 it was the eve of the nativity of Mary Most Holy \u2013 my always benign Jesus came to dispose me Himself. \u00a0He did nothing but come and go continuously; and He would speak to me now about Faith, and then He would leave me, and I would feel a life of faith being infused in my soul.\u00a0 As rough as I felt my soul before, at the speaking of Jesus, I would now feel it become very light, in such a way as to penetrate into God; and I would contemplate now His Power, now His Sanctity, now His Goodness, and so on.\u00a0 My soul would remain stupefied, and in a sea of stupefaction, I would say:\u00a0 \u2018Powerful God, what power is not undone before You?\u00a0 Immense Sanctity of God, what other sanctity, as sublime as it might be, would dare to appear before You?\u2019\u00a0 Then I would feel myself descend into myself, and I could see my nothingness, the nonentity of earthly things, how everything is nothing before God.\u00a0 I would see myself as a little worm, all full of dust, climbing up in order to take a few steps, and such that it would take nothing to destroy me but someone who would trample me under foot – and I would be undone.\u00a0 So, seeing myself so ugly, I almost would not dare to go to God, but His Goodness would make itself present before my mind, and I would feel drawn, as though by a magnet, to go to Him.\u00a0 And I would say to myself:\u00a0 \u2018If He is holy, He is also merciful; if He is powerful, He also contains full and highest Goodness within Himself.\u2019\u00a0 It seemed to me that Goodness surrounded Him on the outside and inundated Him from within.\u00a0 When I looked at the Goodness of God, it seemed to me that it surpassed all other attributes, but then, in looking at the others, I would see them all equal among themselves \u2013 immense, immeasurable and incomprehensible to the human nature.\u00a0 While my soul would be in this state, Jesus would come back and speak about Hope.<\/p>\n

I remember something confusedly, because after so much time it is impossible to remember clearly; but in order to do the obedience that wants it so, I will say what I can.<\/p>\n

So, going back to Faith, Jesus would say:\u00a0 \u201cIn order to obtain, one must believe.\u00a0 Just as for the head without the sight of the eyes, everything is darkness, everything is confusion, so much so, that if one wanted to walk, he would stumble now at one point, now at another, and would end up falling completely, the same for the soul without Faith \u2013 she does nothing but go from precipice to precipice.\u00a0 But Faith serves as the sight of the soul, and as the light which guides her to eternal life.\u00a0 Now, what is this light of Faith nourished by?\u00a0 By Hope.\u00a0 Now, what is the substance of this light of Faith, and of this nourishment of Hope?\u00a0 Charity.\u00a0 All three of these virtues are grafted to one another, in such a way that one cannot be without the other.<\/p>\n

In fact, what good comes to man from believing in the immense riches of Faith, if he does not hope for them, for himself?\u00a0 He will look at them, yes, but with indifferent eye, because he knows that they are not his.\u00a0 But Hope provides the light of Faith with wings, and by hoping in the merits of Jesus Christ, he looks at them as his own, and he comes to love them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHope\u201d, Jesus said, \u201cprovides the soul with a garment of fortitude, almost of iron, in such a way that all the enemies with their arrows cannot wound her; not only this, but they cannot cause even the slightest disturbance.\u00a0 Everything is tranquillity in her, everything is peace.\u201d\u00a0 Oh! it is beautiful to see this soul invested with beautiful Hope, all cleaving to her Beloved, all distrustful of herself, and all trustful in God.\u00a0 She challenges the fiercest enemies; she is queen of her passions, she regulates all of her interior, her inclinations, the desires, the heartbeats, the thoughts, with such mastery that Jesus Himself remains enamored, because He sees that this soul operates with such courage and strength – but she draws it and hopes for it all from Him; so much so, that in seeing this firm hope, Jesus cannot deny anything to this soul.<\/p>\n

Now, while Jesus would speak about Hope, He would withdraw for a little, leaving a light in my intellect.\u00a0 Who can say what I comprehended about Hope?\u00a0 If the other virtues all serve to embellish the soul, but can make us stagger and render us inconstant – Hope, instead, renders the soul firm and stable, like those high mountains which cannot be moved a tiny bit.\u00a0 It seems to me that it happens to the soul invested by Hope as to certain extremely high mountains, such that all the intemperances of the air cannot cause any harm to these mountains.\u00a0 Neither snow, nor winds, nor heat can penetrate into them; whatever thing might be placed at their top, one can be sure of finding there where it was put, even if a hundred years should pass.\u00a0 Just so is the soul clothed by Hope:\u00a0 nothing can harm her, neither tribulation, nor poverty; nor do all the various accidents of life dismay her for one instant.\u00a0 She says to herself:\u00a0 \u201cI can do everything, I can bear everything, suffer everything – hoping in Jesus, who forms the object of all my hopes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hope renders the soul almost omnipotent, invincible, and it administers to her the final perseverance, so much so, that only then does she cease to hope and to persevere, when she has taken possession of the Kingdom of Heaven.\u00a0 Then, she lays down Hope and plunges all of herself into the immense ocean of Divine Love.<\/p>\n

While my soul would get lost in the immense sea of Hope, my beloved Jesus would come back and speak about Charity, telling me:\u00a0 \u201cFaith and Hope give way to Charity, and Charity connects the whole of the other two together, in such a way as to make them one, while they are three.\u00a0 And here It is, oh my spouse, veiled in the three theological virtues, the Trinity of the Divine Persons.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then He continued:\u00a0 \u201cIf Faith makes one believe, and Hope makes one hope, Charity makes one love.\u00a0 If Faith is light and serves as the sight of the soul, and Hope, which is the nourishment of Faith, provides the soul with courage, peace, perseverance and all the rest – Charity, which is the substance of this light and of this nourishment, is like that most sweet and fragrant ointment which, penetrating everywhere, relieves and soothes the pains of life.\u00a0 Charity renders suffering sweet, and makes one reach the point of even desiring it.\u00a0 The soul who possesses Charity diffuses fragrance everywhere; her works, all done out of love, give off a most pleasant odor.\u00a0 And what is this odor?\u00a0 It is the odor of God Himself.\u00a0 The other virtues render the soul solitary and almost unrefined with creatures; Charity, on the other hand, being substance that unites, unites the hearts.\u00a0 But where?\u00a0 In God.\u00a0 Being a most fragrant ointment, Charity spreads everywhere and with everyone.\u00a0 Charity makes one suffer the most ruthless torments with joy, and one reaches the point of not being able to be without suffering.\u00a0 And when she sees herself without it, she says to her spouse Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cSustain me with the fruits, which is suffering, because I am languishing with love; and where else can I show You my love other than in suffering for You?\u201d\u00a0 Charity burns, consumes all other things, even the virtues themselves, and converts them all into itself.\u00a0 In sum, it is like a queen who wants to reign everywhere, and does not want to surrender to anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Who can say what remained after this speaking of Jesus?\u00a0 I will only say that such yearning for suffering ignited within me \u2013 and not just yearning, but I feel as though an infusion in me, like something natural, so much so that, as for me, I believe that the greatest disgrace is to not suffer.<\/p>\n

After this, on that morning, in order to dispose my heart more, Jesus spoke about the annihilation of myself.\u00a0 He also spoke of the immense desire which I was to excite within me in order to dispose myself to receive that grace.\u00a0 He told me that desire makes up for the lacks and imperfections that there may be in the soul; it is like a mantle that covers everything.\u00a0 But this was not a simple speaking \u2013 it was an infusing in me of what He was saying.<\/p>\n

While my soul was exciting itself with ardent yearnings for receiving the grace that Jesus Himself wanted to give me, Jesus came back and transported me outside of myself, up to Paradise.\u00a0 And there, in the presence of the Most Holy Trinity and of the whole Celestial Court, He renewed the marriage.\u00a0 Jesus put out the ring, adorned with three precious stones – white, red and green – and He gave it to the Father, who blessed it and gave it back to the Son again.\u00a0 The Holy Spirit took my right hand and Jesus placed the ring on my ring finger.\u00a0 Then I was admitted to the kiss of all Three Divine Persons, and each of Them blessed me.<\/p>\n

Who can say my confusion when I found myself before the Most Holy Trinity?\u00a0 I will just say that as soon as I found myself in Their presence, I fell flat to the ground, and I would have remained there if it wasn\u2019t for Jesus, who encouraged me to go into Their presence, so great was the light, the sanctity of God.\u00a0 I am only saying this; the other things I will leave out, because I remember them confusedly.<\/p>\n

After this, I remember that a few days passed and I received Communion.\u00a0 I lost consciousness, and I saw, present before me, the Most Holy Trinity whom I had seen in Heaven.\u00a0 I immediately prostrated myself at Their presence, I adored Them, I confessed my nothingness.\u00a0 I remember that I felt so sunken into myself that I did not dare to utter a single word, when a voice came out from Their midst, and said:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear, pluck up courage, We have come to confirm you as Our own, and to take possession of your heart.\u201d\u00a0 While this voice was saying this, I saw that the Most Holy Trinity descended into my heart, and They took possession of it \u2013 and there They formed Their dwelling.\u00a0 Who can say the change that occurred in me?\u00a0 I felt divinized; it was no longer I who lived, but They were living in me.\u00a0 It seemed to me that my body was like a residence, and that the living God was residing in it, because I could feel, sensibly, Their real presence in my interior.\u00a0 I could hear Their voice clearly, coming out from within my interior and resounding in the ears of my body.\u00a0 It happened precisely as when there are people speaking inside a room, and their voices can be heard, clearly and distinctly, also outside.<\/p>\n

From that moment on, I had no more need to go in search of Him somewhere else in order to find Him, but I could find Him there – inside my heart.\u00a0 And when sometimes He would hide and I would go in search of Jesus, wandering throughout heaven and earth, searching for my highest and only Good, while I would be in the heat of my tears, in the intensity of my yearnings, amid the unutterable pains of having lost Him, Jesus would come out from within my interior and say to me:\u00a0 \u201cI am here with you, do not look for Me elsewhere.\u201d\u00a0 Between the surprise and the contentment at having found Him, I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Jesus, how is it – for the entire morning You made me go round and round in order to find You, and You are here?\u00a0 You could have told me at least, for I would not have gotten so worked up.\u00a0 My sweet Good, my dear Life, take a look at how tired I am, I feel I have no more strengths, I feel faint \u2013 O please! sustain me in your arms for I feel myself dying.\u2019\u00a0 And so Jesus would take me in His arms and would make me rest; and while resting, I would feel my strengths being restored.<\/p>\n

Other times, in this hiding of Jesus and my going around in search of Him, when He would make Himself felt inside of me and then come out from within me, I would find not Jesus alone, but all Three Divine Persons – now in the form of three children, gracious and immensely beautiful, now with one single body and three distinct heads, but resembling one another, all three of them attractive.<\/p>\n

Who can say my contentment?\u00a0 Especially when I would see the three children, and I could hold all three of them in my arms.\u00a0 I would kiss now one, now another, and receive their kisses; now one would lean on my shoulder, another on the other shoulder, and another would remain in front of me.\u00a0 And while delighting in them, I would go about looking at them and, to my amazement, from three I would find one.<\/p>\n

Another amazement for me, when I would be with these three children, was that each one would weigh as much as the three of them together.\u00a0 I would feel as much love for one of these children, as for all three of them together; each one of them attracted me in the same way.<\/p>\n

In order to finish speaking about these marriages, I had to skip over a few things, for I was following the thread; and now I will tell them.<\/p>\n

Going back to the beginning, when Jesus would deign to come, He would speak to me very often about His Passion, and would take care of disposing my soul to the imitation of His Life and of His pains, telling me that, in addition to the marriage which is mentioned above, we had one more left to do \u2013 and this was the marriage of the cross.<\/p>\n

I remember that He would say:\u00a0 \u201cMy spouse, the virtues become weak if they are not strengthened and fortified by the grafting of the cross.\u00a0 Before my coming upon earth, pains, confusions, disgraces, calumnies, sufferings, poverty, illnesses, and especially the cross, were all considered as opprobrium; but from the moment they were borne by Me, they were all sanctified and divinized by my contact.\u00a0 So, they all changed their appearance, becoming sweet, pleasant, and the soul who has the good of having some of them, receives honor – and this, because she has received the vestment of Me, Son of God.\u00a0 Only those who look and stop at the cortex of the cross experience the opposite; finding it bitter, they are disgusted by it, they complain, as if someone had done wrong to them.\u00a0 But those who penetrate inside of it, finding it enjoyable, form their happiness in it.\u00a0 My beloved daughter, I yearn for nothing else but to crucify you, body and soul.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0And while He would say this, I would feel such infusion of yearnings to be crucified with Jesus Christ, that I would often repeat:\u00a0 \u2018My Jesus, my Love, hurry \u2013 crucify me with You.\u2019\u00a0 And when He would come back, the first petitions I would make to Him, which seemed to be the most important to me, were these:\u00a0 sorrow for my sins, and the grace to be crucified with Him.\u00a0 It seemed to me that if I obtained this, I would obtain everything.<\/p>\n

Then, one morning, my most loving Jesus made Himself present before me in the form of the Crucified, and He told me that He wanted to crucify me with Him.\u00a0 As He was saying this, I saw that rays of light were coming out from His most holy wounds, and within those rays, nails, coming toward me.\u00a0 At that moment, I don\u2019t know why, though I desired so much to be crucified by Him as to feel consumed, I was caught by a great fear that made me tremble from head to foot.\u00a0 I felt such annihilation of myself, I saw myself so unworthy to receive that grace, that I did not dare to say:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, crucify me with You.\u2019\u00a0 Jesus seemed to be suspended, waiting for my will.\u00a0 Who can say how ardently I desired it in my inmost soul, though, at the same time, I saw myself unworthy?\u00a0 My nature was frightened, and trembled.<\/p>\n

But while I was in this state, my beloved Jesus, through the intellect, solicited me to accept.\u00a0 Then, with all my heart I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018Holy Spouse, crucified for me, I pray You to concede me the grace to be crucified, and, at the same time, not to let any external sign appear on the outside.\u00a0 Yes, give me suffering, give me the wounds, but let everything be hidden between me and You.\u2019<\/p>\n

And so those rays of light, together with the nails, pierced my hands and feet through, and my heart was pierced by a ray of light together with a lance.\u00a0 Who can say the pain and the contentment?\u00a0 As much as I had been caught by fear before, so much did my soul swim in the sea of peace, of contentment and of pain afterwards.\u00a0 The pain I felt in the hands, in the feet and in the heart was so great, that I felt myself dying; I felt the bones of my hands and feet being shattered into most tiny pieces.\u00a0 I felt as if there was a nail inside, but at the same time, they caused me such contentment that I cannot express it, and gave me such strength, that while I felt myself dying because of the pain, those very pains sustained me so that I would not die.\u00a0 However, nothing appeared on the external parts of the body, though I felt the pains corporally.\u00a0 This is so true, that when the confessor would come to call me to obedience and would loosen my hands, which were contracted, every time he would touch me at that point of my hands – that is, there where that ray of light had gone through together with the nail – I would feel mortal pains.\u00a0 However, when the confessor would command, by obedience, that those pains should cease, they would very much mitigate. \u00a0In fact, those pains were so strong, that they made me lose consciousness, and if they had not mitigated at the call of obedience, I would hardly have been able to obey.\u00a0 Oh! prodigy of holy obedience \u2013 you have been everything for me.\u00a0 How many times I found myself clashing with death, so great was the intensity of the pains – and obedience has almost restored my life.\u00a0 May the Lord be always blessed; may everything be for His glory.<\/p>\n

Now, while feeling myself inside myself, I could not see anything; but when I would lose consciousness, I could see the points marked by the wounds of Jesus.\u00a0 It seemed to me that the very wounds of Jesus had been transmuted in my hands, and in the rest; and this was the first time that Jesus crucified me.\u00a0 Indeed, there have been so many of these crucifixions that it is impossible to count them all.\u00a0 I will just say the main things pertaining to this.<\/p>\n

Now, as Jesus would come back, I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My dear Beloved, give me sorrow for my sins, so that, consumed by sorrow and by regret for having offended You, my sins may be erased from my soul, and also from your memory.\u00a0 Yes, give me as much sorrow for as much as I have dared to offend You.\u00a0 Even more, let sorrow surpass this, so I will be able to draw more intimately close to You.\u2019<\/p>\n

I remember that once, while I was saying this, my always benign Jesus told me:\u00a0 \u201cSince you are so sorry for having offended Me, I Myself want to dispose you to feel sorrow for your sins, so that you may see how awful sin is, and what bitter pain my Heart suffered.\u00a0 Therefore, say together with Me:\u00a0 \u2018If I cross the sea, You are in the sea, yet I do not see You; I tread the earth, You are under my feet.\u00a0 I sinned\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 And then, in a low voice, almost crying, Jesus added:\u00a0 \u201cYet I loved you, and at that very moment, I preserved you.\u201d\u00a0 While Jesus was saying this, and I together with Him, I was caught by such sorrow for the offenses given, that I fell flat to the ground; and Jesus disappeared.<\/p>\n

Few are those words, but I understood so many things, that it is impossible to say all that I comprehended.\u00a0 In the first words I comprehended the immensity, the greatness, the presence of God in each existing thing, such that not even a shadow of our thought can escape Him.\u00a0 I also comprehended my nothingness compared to a Majesty so great and holy.\u00a0 In the word \u201cI sinned\u201d, I comprehended the ugliness of sin, the malice, the daring I had had in offending Him.\u00a0 Now, while my soul was considering this, in hearing Jesus Christ say \u201cYet I loved you, and at that very moment, I preserved you\u201d, my heart was taken by such sorrow, that I felt myself dying, because I could comprehend the immense love that the Lord had for me in the very act in which I tried to offend Him, and even to kill Him.\u00a0 Ah Lord, how good You have been with me, and I \u2013 always ungrateful, and still so bad.<\/p>\n

I remember that it was an alternation – every time He would deign to come, I would ask Him now for sorrow of my sins, and now for the crucifixion, and also for other things.\u00a0 One morning, while I was in my usual sufferings, my dear Jesus transported me outside of myself and showed me a man who had been killed by shots of a revolver, and who was then breathing his last and going to hell.\u00a0 Oh! how much pain it was for Jesus the loss of that soul.\u00a0 If the whole world knew how much Jesus suffers for the loss of souls, they would use all possible means so as not to become lost eternally \u2013 I am not saying for themselves, but at least to spare our Lord that pain.\u00a0 Now, while I was in the midst of the bullets together with Jesus, Jesus drew His lips close to my ears, and told me:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, do you want to offer yourself as victim for the salvation of this soul, and take upon yourself the pains which he deserves because of his most grave sins?\u201d\u00a0 And I answered:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, I am ready, as long as You save him and restore his life.\u2019\u00a0 Who can tell the sufferings that came to me?\u00a0 They were such and so many, that I myself I don\u2019t know how life did not leave me.<\/p>\n

Now, as I had been in that state of sufferings for more than one hour, my confessor came to call me to obedience; and because I was in great suffering, I could hardly obey.\u00a0 So he asked me the reason for such a state, and I told him the fact, as I have described it above, telling him the place in town where it seemed to me that it had happened.\u00a0 The confessor told me that it was true, but that they thought he was dead.\u00a0 However, then it became known that he was very ill, but little by little he recovered, and he is still alive.\u00a0 May the Lord be always blessed.<\/p>\n

I remember that, as I continued to ask for the crucifixion and Jesus would transport me outside of myself, He would take me to the holy sites of Jerusalem where our Lord suffered His sorrowful Passion, and there we encountered many crosses.\u00a0 My beloved Jesus would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cIf you knew what good the cross contains within itself, how precious it renders the soul, what a gem of inestimable value one acquires, who has the good of possessing sufferings\u2026.\u00a0 It is enough to tell you only that, in coming upon earth, I did not choose riches or pleasures, but I cherished as dear and intimate sisters, the cross, poverty, sufferings, ignominies.\u201d\u00a0 While saying this, He would show such taste, such joy for suffering, that those words pierced my heart through like many burning arrows, to the point that I would feel life leaving me if the Lord would not concede me suffering.\u00a0 And with as much voice and strength as I had, I would do nothing but say:\u00a0 \u2018Holy Spouse, give me suffering, give me crosses.\u00a0 From this alone will I know that You love me \u2013 if You content me with crosses and with sufferings.\u2019\u00a0 And so I would take one of the largest crosses that I saw, I would lay myself upon it, and I would pray Jesus to come and crucify me.\u00a0 And He would be so good as to take my hand and begin to pierce it with the nail.\u00a0 From time to time, blessed Jesus would ask me:\u00a0 \u201cDoes it hurt very much?\u00a0 Do you want Me to stop?\u201d\u00a0 And I:\u00a0 \u2018No, no, my Beloved, continue.\u00a0 It hurts, yes, but I am happy.\u2019\u00a0 And I had such fear that He might not finish crucifying me, that I would do nothing but tell Him:\u00a0 \u2018Hurry, oh Jesus! Hurry, don\u2019t make it so long.\u2019\u00a0 But \u2013 no, when the time would come to nail the other hand, the arms of the cross would be too short, while before they seemed to be long enough to make it.\u00a0 Who can say how mortified I would remain?<\/p>\n

\u00a0 This happened many times, and sometimes if the arms were fine, the length of the cross was not enough for me to be able to extend my feet.\u00a0 In a word, something had to be missing so that the crucifixion could not be completed.\u00a0 Who can say the bitterness of my soul and the laments I made to our Lord, for He would not concede me true suffering?\u00a0 I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Beloved, everything ends in a joke.\u00a0 You used to tell me that You would take me to Heaven, and then You made me come back to earth.\u00a0 Now You tell me that You must crucify me, and we never get to the complete crucifixion.\u2019\u00a0 And Jesus, again, would promise me that He would crucify me.<\/p>\n

September 14, 1899<\/p>\n

One morning \u2013 it was the day of the Exaltation of the Cross \u2013 my sweet Jesus transported me to the holy sites; and first, He told me many things about the virtue of the cross.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember everything – just a few things:\u00a0 \u201cMy beloved, do you want to be beautiful?\u00a0 The cross will give you the most beautiful features that can possibly be found, both in Heaven and on earth; so much so, as to enamor God, who contains all beauties within Himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesus continued:\u00a0 \u201cDo you want to be filled with immense riches – not for a short time, but for all eternity?\u00a0 Well then, the cross will administer to you all kinds of riches – from the littlest pennies, which are the small crosses, up to the greatest amounts, which are the heavier crosses.\u00a0 Yet, men are so greedy to earn a temporal nickel, which they will soon have to leave, but do not give a thought to earning one eternal penny.\u00a0 And when I, having compassion for them, in seeing their carelessness for all that regards eternity, kindly offer them the opportunity – instead of cherishing it, they get angry and offend Me.\u00a0 What human madness \u2013 it seems that they understand it upside down.\u00a0 My beloved, in the cross are all the triumphs, all the victories, and the greatest gains.\u00a0 As for you, you must have no other aim than the cross, and this will be enough for you, in everything.\u00a0 Today I want to make you content; that cross which until now has not been enough to lay you on and crucify you completely, is the cross that you have carried up to now.\u00a0 But since I have to crucify you completely, you need Me to let descend new crosses upon you.\u00a0 So, the cross you have had until now, I will bring to Heaven, to show it to the whole Celestial Court as pledge of your love, and I will make another one, larger, descend from Heaven, to be able to satisfy the ardent desires which I have upon you.\u201d<\/p>\n

While Jesus was saying this, that cross which I had seen the other times made itself present before me.\u00a0 I took it and I laid myself upon it.\u00a0 As I was in this way, the Heavens opened and Saint John the Evangelist came down, carrying the cross that Jesus had indicated to me; the Queen Mother and many Angels also came down.\u00a0 When they arrived near me, they lifted me from that cross and placed me on the one which they had brought me, which was much larger.\u00a0 Then, an Angel took the cross I had before and took it to Heaven with him.\u00a0 After this, with His own hand, Jesus began to nail me to that cross; Queen Mama assisted me, while the Angels and Saint John were handing the nails.\u00a0 My sweet Jesus showed such contentment, such joy in crucifying me, that just to be able to give that contentment to Jesus, I would have suffered not only the cross, but yet more pains.\u00a0 Ah! it seemed to me that Heaven was making new feast for me, in seeing the contentment of Jesus.\u00a0 Many souls were freed from Purgatory and took flight toward Heaven, and quite a few sinners were converted, because my Divine Spouse let everyone participate in the good of my sufferings.\u00a0 Who can tell, then, the intense pains I felt in being stretched very well over the cross, and my hands and feet being pierced through with the nails?\u00a0 But especially the feet \u2013 the atrocity of the pains was such that they cannot be described.\u00a0 When they finished crucifying me and I felt I was swimming in the sea of pains and sufferings, Queen Mama said to Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cMy Son, today is a day of grace – I want You to let her share in all your pains.\u00a0 There is nothing left but for You to pierce her heart through with the lance, and to renew for her the crown of thorns.\u201d\u00a0 So, Jesus Himself took the lance and pierced my heart through; the Angels took a crown of thorns, well thickened, and handed it to the Most Holy Virgin \u2013 and She Herself drove it into my head.<\/p>\n

What a memorable day that was for me \u2013 of sufferings, yes, and of contentments; of unspeakable pains, but also of joy.\u00a0 It is enough to say that the intensity of the pains was so great, that for that entire day Jesus did not move from my side, to sustain my nature that was failing at the liveliness of the pains.\u00a0 Those souls from Purgatory who had flown up to Heaven, descended together with the Angels and surrounded my bed, cheering me with their canticles, and thanking me affectionately because through my sufferings I had freed them from those pains.<\/p>\n

It happened, then, that after five or six days of those intense pains, to my great disappointment those pains began to diminish, and so I would solicit my beloved Jesus to renew for me the crucifixion.\u00a0 And He, sometimes quickly, and sometimes with some delay, would be pleased to transport me to the holy sites and to let me share in the pains of His Sorrowful Passion – now the crown of thorns, now the scourging, now the carrying of the cross to Calvary, now the crucifixion; sometimes one mystery per day, and sometimes everything in one day, according to His liking.\u00a0 And this was of highest pain and contentment for my soul.\u00a0 But it would become very bitter for me when the scene would change, and instead of I being the one who suffered, I would be the spectator, watching most loving Jesus suffer the pains of His Sorrowful Passion.\u00a0 Ah! how many times I found myself in the midst of the Jews together with Queen Mama, seeing my beloved Jesus suffer.\u00a0 Ah! yes, it is yet true that it is easier for one to suffer oneself, than to see the beloved suffer.<\/p>\n

Other times, I remember that, in renewing these crucifixions, my sweet Jesus said to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy beloved, the cross allows one to distinguish the reprobates from the predestined.\u00a0 Just as, on the Day of Judgment, the good will rejoice upon seeing the cross, so even now it can be seen whether one will be saved or lost.\u00a0 If, as the cross presents itself to the soul, she embraces it, carries it with resignation, with patience, and she kisses and thanks that hand which is sending it \u2013 here is the sign that she is saved.\u00a0 If, on the contrary, as the cross is presented to her, she gets irritated, despises it, and even reaches the point of offending Me \u2013 you can say that that\u2019s a sign that the soul is heading on the way to hell.\u00a0 So will the reprobates do on the Day of Judgment:\u00a0 upon seeing the cross, they will grieve and curse.\u00a0 The cross tells everything; the cross is a book that, without deception and in clear notes, tells you and allows you to distinguish the saint from the sinner, the perfect from the imperfect, the fervent from the lukewarm.\u00a0 The cross communicates such light to the soul that, even now, it allows one to distinguish not only the good from the evil, but also those who are to be more or less glorious in Heaven \u2013 those who are to occupy a higher or a lower place.\u00a0 All other virtues remain humble and reverent before the virtue of the cross, and grafting themselves to it, they receive greater glory and splendor.\u201d<\/p>\n

Who can say what flames of ardent desires this speaking of Jesus would cast into my heart?\u00a0 I felt devoured by hunger for suffering, and in order to satisfy my yearnings – or rather, to better say it, in order to satisfy that which He Himself infused in me – He would renew for me the crucifixion.<\/p>\n

I remember that sometimes, after renewing these crucifixions, He would say to me:\u00a0 \u201cBeloved of my Heart, I ardently desire not only to crucify your soul and to communicate the pains of the cross to your body, but also to mark your body with the mark of my wounds; and I want to teach you the prayer in order to obtain this grace.\u00a0 This is the prayer:\u00a0 \u2018I present myself before the supreme throne of God, bathed in the Blood of Jesus Christ, praying Him, by the merit of His most luminous virtues and of His Divinity, to concede me the grace to be crucified\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

However, I have always had an aversion for anything that might appear externally \u2013 and I still do \u2013 but in the act in which Jesus was saying that, I would feel such yearnings being infused in me to satisfy the desire that He Himself was expressing, that I would yet dare to ask Jesus to crucify me in the soul and in the body.\u00a0 And sometimes I would say to Him:\u00a0 \u201cHoly Spouse, I would rather not have external things; and if sometimes I dare to ask for that, it is because You Yourself tell me to, and also to give a sign to the confessor that it is You who operates in me.\u00a0 But for the rest, I would like nothing other than for those pains, which You make me suffer when You renew the crucifixion, to be permanent; I would rather not have that diminution after some time.\u00a0 This alone is enough for me.\u00a0 As for the outward appearance, the more You can keep me hidden, the more You will make me content.\u2019<\/p>\n

I remember confusedly that, when I would be with Our Lord, I would often ask for sorrow for my sins and for the grace to be forgiven of all the evil I had done; and at times I reached the point of saying that only then would I be content, when I would hear Him say, from His own lips:\u00a0 \u201cI remit all your sins.\u201d\u00a0 And blessed Jesus, who can deny nothing when it is for our good, one morning made Himself seen and told me:\u00a0 \u201cThis time I Myself want to do the office of Confessor.\u00a0 You will confess all your sins to Me, and in the act in which you do this, I will make you comprehend, one by one, the sorrows you have given to my Heart in offending Me, so that, by comprehending what sin is, as much as it is possible for a creature, you may be resolved to die rather than to offend Me.\u00a0 You, in the meantime, enter into your nothingness, and recite the Confiteor<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

On entering into myself, I could see all my misery and my wicked deeds, and I trembled like a leaf before His presence.\u00a0 I lacked the strength to pronounce the words of the Confiteor<\/em>, and if the Lord had not infused new strength in me, by telling me:\u00a0 \u201cDo not fear – if I am the Judge, I am also your Father.\u00a0 Courage, let us proceed\u201d, I would have remained there, without uttering one word.<\/p>\n

So I said the Confiteor<\/em>, all full of confusion and humiliation, and since I saw myself all covered with my sins, at one glance, I saw that the greatest one, which had given affront to Our Lord, was pride.\u00a0 So I said:\u00a0 \u2018Lord, before your presence, I accuse myself of the sin of pride.\u2019\u00a0 And He:\u00a0 \u201cDraw near my Heart, and place your ear upon It \u2013 you will hear the cruel torment that you have caused my Heart with this sin.\u201d\u00a0 All trembling, I placed my ear upon His adorable Heart \u2013 but who can say what I heard and comprehended in that instant?\u00a0 Especially now, after so much time, I will only say something confusedly.\u00a0 I remember that His Heart was beating so strongly, that it seemed that His breast was going to crack.\u00a0 Then it seemed to me that It was torn to shreds, and was almost destroyed because of the pain.\u00a0 Ah! if I could have, I would have reached the point of destroying the Divine Being with pride.<\/p>\n

I will give you a simile in order to make myself understood, otherwise I have no words to express myself.\u00a0 Imagine a king, and at the feet of this king, a worm, which, rising and swelling up, begins to think it is something, and reaches such audacity, that rising, little by little, it reaches the head of the king and wants to remove the crown from him to put it on its own head.\u00a0 Then it strips him of his royal vestments; then it throws him off his throne, and finally, it tries to kill him.\u00a0 But what\u2019s more about this worm, is that it itself does not know its own being, so much it deceives itself, and that in order to get rid of it, it would take the king nothing but to put it under his feet and crush it – and so end its days.\u00a0 This, truly, would move one to indignation and to pity, as well as to ridicule the pride of this worm, if it could do such a thing.\u00a0 So did I see myself before God, and this filled me with such confusion and sorrow, that I felt, being renewed in my heart, the torment that blessed Jesus suffered.<\/p>\n

After this, He left me, and I felt such pain, comprehending how so ugly this sin of pride is, that it is impossible to describe it.\u00a0 After I ruminated all this thoroughly within myself, my good Jesus came back and told me to continue the confession of my sins.\u00a0 And I, all trembling, continued to make the accusation of my thoughts, words, works, causes and omissions; and when He would see that I was unable to continue the confession because of the pain I felt at having offended Him so much\u2026\u00a0 in fact, I had such a vivid clarity, being in front of that Divine Sun; especially, I could see the smallness, the nonentity of my being, and I was stunned at how I could have such cheek – where had I taken that boldness to offend a God so good, who, in the very act in which I was offending Him, assisted me, preserved me, nourished me; and if He had any rancor with me, it was for the sin I committed, which He greatly hated, while He loved me immensely, He excused me before Divine Justice, and was all occupied with removing that wall of division, which sin had produced between the soul and God.\u00a0 Oh! if all could see who God is, and who the soul is in the act of sinning, all would die of sorrow, and I believe that sin would be exiled from the earth.\u00a0 So, when blessed Jesus would see that I could not take any more because of the pain, He would withdraw and leave me, to allow me to comprehend well the evil I had done.\u00a0 And then He would come back again, and I would continue the accusation of my sins.<\/p>\n

But who can say all that I understood, and explain, one by one, the different affronts and the special sorrows which I had caused Our Lord with my sins?\u00a0 I feel it is almost impossible for me to explain myself – also because I don\u2019t remember it too well.<\/p>\n

Then, when I finished the accusation, which lasted about seven hours, lovable Jesus took the aspect of most loving Father.\u00a0 And since I was exhausted in my strengths because of the sorrow – more so, since I saw that that sorrow was not enough to be sorry as it befitted my sins – to encourage me, He told me:\u00a0 \u201cI Myself want to make up for you, and I apply to your soul the merit of the pain I had in the Garden of Gethsemani.\u00a0 This alone can satisfy the Divine Justice.\u201d\u00a0 After He applied His pain to my soul, then I seemed to be disposed to receive the absolution.<\/p>\n

All humbled and confounded as I was, prostrated at the feet of the good Father Jesus, through the rays He was sending into my mind, I tried to excite myself more to sorrow by saying – though I don\u2019t remember everything:\u00a0 \u2018Great, immense, has been the evil I have done against You.\u00a0 These powers of mine and these senses of my body were meant to be as many tongues with which to praise You.\u00a0 Ah! instead, they have been like many poisonous vipers which were biting You and were even trying to kill You.\u00a0 But, Holy Father, forgive me \u2013 do not want to cast me away because of the great wrong I have done to You by sinning.\u2019<\/p>\n

And Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cAnd you – do you promise to sin no more, and to banish from your heart any shadow of evil that might offend your Creator?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I:\u00a0 \u2018Ah! yes, with all my heart I promise You.\u00a0 I would die a thousand times rather than sin again.\u00a0 Never again, never again.\u2019<\/p>\n

And Jesus:\u00a0 \u201cAnd I forgive you, and I apply to your soul the merits of my Passion, and I want to wash it in my Blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

And as He was saying this, He raised His blessed right hand and pronounced the words of the absolution \u2013 exactly like the words that the priest says, when he gives absolution.\u00a0 And in the act of doing this, a river of Blood poured down from His hand, and my soul remained completely inundated by It.<\/p>\n

After this, He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cCome, oh daughter, come to make penance for your sins by kissing my wounds.\u201d<\/p>\n

All trembling, I stood up and I kissed His most sacred wounds; and then He said to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, be more vigilant and attentive, because today I give you the grace not to fall, ever again, into voluntary venial sin.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then He gave me other exhortations, which I don\u2019t remember too well; and He disappeared.<\/p>\n

Who can say the effects of this confession made to Our Lord?\u00a0 I felt all soaked with grace, and it made such an impression on me, that I cannot forget it.\u00a0 And every time I remember it, I feel a shiver run through my bones, and also taken by horror in thinking of what my correspondence is to so many graces that the Lord has given me.<\/p>\n

The Lord deigned other times to give me the absolution Himself.\u00a0 Sometimes He would take the form of the priest, and I would confess as if to the priest, although I would feel different effects; and then, once it was finished, He would reveal Himself as Jesus; and sometimes He would come unveiled, making Himself recognized as Jesus from the beginning.\u00a0 At times He would also take the form of the confessor, so much so, that I believed I was speaking with him, telling him all my fears, my doubts; but from the way He had of answering me, from the gentleness of the voice, alternating between that of the confessor and that of Jesus, from His lovable trait and from the interior effects, I would discover that it was Him.\u00a0 Ah! if I wanted to say everything about these things, I would be too long, therefore I finish, and I stop here.<\/p>\n

I remember that there was another war between Africa and Italy, and one day, about nine months earlier, blessed Jesus transported me outside of myself and showed me a very long road, filled with human flesh immersed in blood, which inundated that road like rivers.\u00a0 It was horrifying to see those cadavers exposed to the open air, without anyone to bury them.<\/p>\n

All frightened, I said to Our Lord:\u00a0 \u2018What is this?\u2019<\/p>\n

And He:\u00a0 \u201cNext year there will be a war.\u00a0 They use the flesh to offend Me, and I, on their flesh, want to make my just vengeances.\u201d\u00a0 He said other things but the long time passed does not allow me to remember.<\/p>\n

Now, it happened that, after that period of time, news began to spread that there was a war between Africa and Italy.\u00a0 I prayed good Jesus to spare so many victims, and to have pity on so many souls who were going to hell.<\/p>\n

One morning, according to the usual way, He transported me outside of myself, and I saw that almost all people were convinced that Italy was going to win. \u00a0I seemed to find myself in Rome, and I could see the deputies in council among themselves on how they should carry on the war to be sure that Italy would win.\u00a0 They were so swollen with themselves as to arouse pity.\u00a0 But what impressed me the most was to see that almost all these people were sectarians \u2013 souls sold to the devil.\u00a0 What sad times!\u00a0 It really seemed that the satanic reign was reigning, and instead of placing their trust in God, they were placing it in the devil.\u00a0 Now, while they were in council, my blessed Jesus told me:\u00a0 \u201cLet us go hear what they are saying among themselves.\u201d\u00a0 It seemed I was entering their circle together with Him.\u00a0 Jesus was strolling through their midst, shedding tears over their miserable state.\u00a0 When they finished their council about the way to proceed, boasting of being sure about the victory, Jesus turned to them and, threatening them, said:\u00a0 \u201cYou rely on yourselves, and therefore I will humiliate you.\u00a0 This time Italy will lose.\u201d<\/p>\n

J.M.J.
\nFiat<\/p>\n

Now, in order to obey, I will resume what I left on page 6 of this 1st<\/sup> volume \u2013 that is, the Novena of Holy Christmas.<\/p>\n

As I moved on from the second meditation to the third, an interior voice told me:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, place your head upon the womb of my Mama, and look deep into it at my little Humanity.\u00a0 My love devoured Me; the fires, the oceans, the immense seas of love of my Divinity inundated Me, burned Me to ashes, and sent their flames so high as to rise and reach everywhere – all generations, from the first to the last man.\u00a0 My little Humanity was devoured in the midst of such flames; but do you know what my eternal love wants Me to devour?\u00a0 Ah! Souls!\u00a0 And only then was I content, when I devoured them all, remaining conceived with Me.\u00a0 I was God, I was to operate as God – I had to take them all.\u00a0 My love would have given Me no peace, had I excluded any of them.\u00a0 Ah! my daughter, look well into the womb of my Mama; fix well your eyes on my conceived Humanity, and you will find your soul conceived with Me, and the flames of my love that devoured you.\u00a0 Oh! how much I loved you, and I love you!\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt dissolved in the midst of so much love, nor was I able to go out of it; but a voice called me loudly, saying to me:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, this is nothing yet; draw closer to Me, and give your hands to my dear Mama, that She may hold you tightly upon her maternal womb.\u00a0 And you, take another look at my little conceived Humanity, and watch the fourth excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

4 –<\/strong> \u201cMy daughter, from the devouring love, move on to look at my operative love.\u00a0 Each conceived soul brought Me the burden of her sins, of her weaknesses and passions, and my love commanded Me to take the burden of each one of them; and it conceived not only the souls, but the pains of each one, the satisfactions which each of them was to give to my Celestial Father.\u00a0 So, my Passion was conceived together with Me.\u00a0 Look well at Me in the womb of my Celestial Mama.\u00a0 Oh! how tortured was my little Humanity.\u00a0 Look well at how my tiny little head is surrounded by a crown of thorns, which, pressed tightly around my temples, made rivers of tears pour out from my eyes; nor was I able to move in order to dry them.\u00a0 O please! be moved to compassion for Me, dry my eyes from so much crying – you, who have free arms to be able to do it.\u00a0 These thorns are the crown of the so many evil thoughts that crowd the human minds.\u00a0 Oh! how they prick Me, more than the thorns which the earth germinates.\u00a0 But, look again \u2013 what a long crucifixion of nine months.\u00a0 I could not move a finger or a hand or a foot – I was here, always immobile; there was no room to be able to move even a tiny bit.\u00a0 What a long and hard crucifixion, with the addition that all evil works, taking the form of nails, repeatedly pierced my hands and feet through.\u201d\u00a0 And so He continued to narrate to me pains upon pains \u2013 all the martyrdoms of His little Humanity, such that, if I wanted to tell them all, I would be too long.<\/p>\n

So I abandoned myself to crying, and I heard in my interior:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, I would like to hug you, but I am unable to do so – there is no room, I am immobile, I cannot do it.\u00a0 I would like to come to you, but I am unable to walk.\u00a0 For now, you hug Me and you come to Me; then, when I come out of the maternal womb, I will come to you.\u201d\u00a0 But as I hugged Him and squeezed Him tightly to my heart with my imagination, an interior voice told me:\u00a0 \u201cEnough for now, my daughter; move on to consider the fifth excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

5 –<\/strong> And the interior voice continued:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, do not move away from Me, do not leave Me alone; my love wants your company – another excess of my love, which does not want to be alone.\u00a0 But do you know whose company it wants?\u00a0 That of the creature.\u00a0 See, in the womb of my Mama, all creatures are together with Me \u2013 conceived together with Me.\u00a0 I am with them, all love; I want to tell them how much I love them, I want to speak with them to tell them of my joys and sorrows – that I have come into their midst to make them happy, to console them; that I will remain in their midst as a little brother of theirs, giving all my goods, my Kingdom, to each one of them at the cost of my life.\u00a0 I want to give them my kisses, my caresses; I want to amuse Myself with them, but \u2013 ah! how many sorrows they give Me!\u00a0 Some run away from Me, some play deaf and force Me into silence; some despise my goods and do not care about my Kingdom, and they requite my kisses and caresses with indifference and obliviousness of Me; and they convert my amusement into bitter crying.\u00a0 Oh! how lonely I am, though in the midst of many.\u00a0 Oh! how loneliness weighs upon Me.\u00a0 I have no one to whom to say a word, with whom to pour Myself out – not even in love.\u00a0 I am always sad and taciturn, because if I speak, I am not listened to.\u00a0 Ah! my daughter, I beg you, I implore you, do not leave Me alone in so much loneliness; give Me the good of letting Me speak by listening to Me; lend your ear to my teachings.\u00a0 I am the master of masters.\u00a0 How many things do I want to teach you!\u00a0 If you listen to Me, you will stop my crying, and I will amuse Myself with you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you want to amuse yourself with Me?\u201d<\/p>\n

And as I abandoned myself in Him, compassionating Him in His loneliness, the interior voice continued:\u00a0 \u201cEnough, enough; move on to consider the sixth excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

6 –<\/strong> \u201cMy daughter, come, pray my dear Mama to make a little space for you in her maternal womb, that you yourself may see the painful state in which I find Myself.\u201d\u00a0 So, with my thought, it seemed to me that our Queen Mama made me a little room to make Jesus content, and placed me inside.\u00a0 But the darkness was such that I could not see Him – I could only hear His breathing; and He continued to say in my interior:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, look at another excess of my love.\u00a0 I am the eternal light; the sun is a shadow of my light.\u00a0 But do you see where my love led Me – in what a dark prison I am?\u00a0 There is not a glimmer of light; it is always night for Me \u2013 but night without stars, without rest.\u00a0 I am always awake – what pain!\u00a0 The narrowness of the prison – without being able to make the slightest movement; the thick darkness; even my breathing, as I breathe through the breath of my Mama \u2013 oh! how labored it is.\u00a0 To this, add the darkness of the sins of creatures.\u00a0 Each sin was a night for Me, and combining together, they formed an abyss of darkness, with no boundaries.\u00a0 What pain!\u00a0 Oh, excess of my love – making Me pass from an immensity of light, of space, into an abyss of thick darkness, and of such narrowness that I even lacked the freedom to breathe; and all this, for love of creatures.\u201d<\/p>\n

As He was saying this, He moaned, with moans almost suffocated because of the lack of space; and He cried.\u00a0 I was consumed with crying.\u00a0 I thanked Him, I compassionated Him; I wanted to make Him a little bit of light with my love, as He told me to.\u00a0 But who can say everything?\u00a0 Then, the same interior voice added:\u00a0 \u201cEnough for now; move on to the seventh excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

7 –<\/strong> The interior voice continued:\u00a0 \u201cMy daughter, do not leave Me alone in so much loneliness and in so much darkness.\u00a0 Do not go out of the womb of my Mama, to watch the seventh excess of my love.\u00a0 Listen to Me:\u00a0 in the womb of my Celestial Father I was fully happy; there was no good which I did not possess; joy, happiness – everything was at my disposal.\u00a0 The Angels adored Me reverently, hanging upon my every wish.\u00a0 Ah! excess of my love.\u00a0 I could say that it made Me change my destiny; it restrained Me within this gloomy prison; it stripped Me of all my joys, happinesses and goods, to clothe Me with all the unhappinesses of creatures \u2013 and all this in order to make an exchange, to give my destiny, my joys and my eternal happiness to them.\u00a0 But this would have been nothing had I not found in them highest ingratitude and obstinate perfidy.\u00a0 Oh! how my eternal love was surprised in the face of so much ingratitude, and cried over the obstinacy and perfidy of man.\u00a0 Ingratitude was the sharpest thorn that pierced my heart, from my conception up to the last moment of my life.\u00a0 Look at my little heart – it is wounded, and pours out blood.\u00a0 What pain!\u00a0 What torture I feel!\u00a0 My daughter, do not be ungrateful to Me.\u00a0 Ingratitude is the hardest pain for your Jesus; it is to close the doors in my face, leaving Me numb with cold.\u00a0 But my love did not stop at so much ingratitude; it took the attitude of supplicating, imploring, moaning and begging love.\u00a0 This is the eighth excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

8 –<\/strong> \u201cMy daughter, do not leave Me alone; place your head upon the womb of my dear Mama, for even from the outside you will hear my moans, my supplications.\u00a0 In seeing that neither my moans nor my supplications move the creature to compassion for my love, I assume the attitude of the poorest of beggars; and stretching out my tiny little hand, I ask – for pity\u2019s sake, at least as alms – for their souls, their affections and their hearts.\u00a0 My love wanted to win the heart of man at any cost; and in seeing that after seven excesses of my love, he was reluctant, he played deaf, he did not care about Me, nor did he want to give himself to Me, my love wanted to push itself further.\u00a0 It should have stopped; but – no, it wanted to overflow even more from within its boundaries, and even from the womb of my Mama it made my voice reach every heart \u2013 and with the most insinuating manners, with the most fervent pleas, with the most penetrating words.\u00a0 And do you know what I said to him?\u00a0 \u2018My child, give me your heart; I will give you everything you want, provided that you give Me your heart in exchange.\u00a0 I have descended from Heaven to make a prey of it.\u00a0 O please! do not deny it to Me!\u00a0 Do not delude my hopes!\u2019\u00a0 And in seeing him reluctant \u2013 even more, many turned their backs to Me \u2013 I passed on to moans; I joined my tiny little hands and, crying, with voice suffocated by sobs, I added:\u00a0 \u2018Ahh! Ahh! I am the little beggar; not even as alms do you want to give Me your heart?\u00a0 Is this not a greater excess of my love – that the Creator, in order to approach the creature, takes the form of a little baby so as not to strike fear in him, and that He asks for the heart of the creature, at least as alms, and in seeing that he does not want to give it, He supplicates, moans and cries?\u201d<\/p>\n

Then I heard Him say to me:\u00a0 \u201cAnd you, don\u2019t you want to give Me your heart?\u00a0 Perhaps you too want Me to moan, beg and cry for you to give Me your heart?\u00a0 Do you want to deny Me the alms that I ask of you?\u201d\u00a0 And as He was saying this I heard Him as though sobbing, and I:\u00a0 \u2018My Jesus, do not cry, I give You my heart and all of myself.\u2019\u00a0 Then, the interior voice continued:\u00a0 \u201cMove further, and pass on to the ninth excess of my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

9 –<\/strong> \u201cMy daughter, my state is ever more painful.\u00a0 If you love Me, keep your gaze fixed on Me, to see if you can offer some relief to your Jesus; a little word of love, a caress, a kiss, will give respite to my crying and to my afflictions.\u00a0 Listen my daughter, after I gave eight excesses of my love, and man requited Me so badly, my love did not give up, and to the eighth excess it wanted to add the ninth.\u00a0 And this was yearnings, sighs of fire, flames of desire, for I wanted to go out of the maternal womb to embrace man.\u00a0 And this reduced my little Humanity, not yet born, to such an agony as to reach the point of breathing my last.\u00a0 And as I was about to breathe my last, my Divinity, which was inseparable from Me, gave Me sips of life, and so I regained life to continue my agony, and return again to die.\u00a0 This was the ninth excess of my love:\u00a0 to agonize and to die of love continuously for the creature.\u00a0 Oh! what a long agony of nine months!\u00a0 Oh! how love suffocated Me and made Me die.\u00a0 Had I not had the Divinity with Me, which gave Me life again every time I was about to finish, love would have consumed Me before coming out to the light of day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then He added:\u00a0 \u201cLook at Me, listen to Me, how I agonize, how my heart beats, pants, burns.\u00a0 Look at Me – now I die.\u201d\u00a0 And He remained in deep silence.\u00a0 I felt myself dying; my blood froze in my veins, and, trembling, I said to Him:\u00a0 \u2018My Love, my Life, do not die, do not leave me alone.\u00a0 You want love, and I will love You; I will not leave You ever again.\u00a0 Give me your flames to be able to love You more, and be consumed completely for You.\u2019<\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> The devil.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> October 16, 1888.\u00a0 Luisa is 23 years old.<\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> Into Heaven.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

VOLUME 1 J.M.J. In the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Out of pure obedience, I begin to write. You know, oh! Lord, the sacrifice it costs me, such that I would submit myself … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7779,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-21754","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21754","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/7779"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=21754"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21754\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23308,"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21754\/revisions\/23308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/luisapiccarreta.co\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=21754"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}